2011: The Year I Got Over Myself

Dear Readers,

It's the start of a New Year and I have resolved:
   
"Not To Resolve."

This means I will continue to tell you things you never knew you wanted to know in the first place.

One thing that you never knew you wanted to know is that:  I stopped making resolutions a couple years ago.  I found that it was too much pressure to keep my ridiculous and impossible resolutions I made for myself.  And I always let myself down.  Knowingly letting myself down, is not healthy...and therefore, I am no longer doing it. I'm pretty sure I formerly let myself down because all of my resolutions were, in fact, both ridiculous and therefore impossible.    

You Know Those Silly Resolutions You Make To Yourself To:

• Work out every single day of the year and never miss a day for any reason whatsoever.
• Climb a mountain.
• Go on a safari.  
• Build a house with your bare hands.
• Rescue an eagle and set it free into the wild.
• Write a poem for every one of your friends/family, laminate the poem, make it into a puzzle, wrap it up, and set it outside their front door on their birthday.

You know...impossible and ridiculous resolutions.

Maybe I am the only one who made outrageous claims for the New Year in the past, I don't know.  What I do know, is that I, myself, stopped the outrage years ago and haven't made a resolution (that I couldn't keep) for a long time.  And I'm good with that.  I'm perfectly content to: Resolve not to Resolve.

2011 Was a Pivotal Year in My Life.  A Lot of Stuff Happened:
One of things that happened was something that actually DIDN'T happen.  I did not work in 2011.  Not at an actual job for actual monetary pay.

I was released from my last job January 3rd, 2011.

Today is my one-year non-work Anniversary.  I don't know if I should throw a party or get myself balloons or what.  I think I definitely should have a cake made to honor my non-work.

Although, I did not work for pay...I did get a lot of stuff done.


Most importantly, 2011 was the year I decided to get over myself.

My Decision To Get Over Myself:
I have been in the process of getting over myself for the past couple of years.  Well, I think to be honest, I have been working on it all my life.  However, I didn't become actively involved in getting over myself consciously until the last couple of years.  It has been a long road.  A lot of gains were made in 2011 and I can honestly say that I'm 85% over myself.  Which, is a percentage I'm good with.  It is going to take the rest of my life to get over the remaining 15% of myself.

Up until about 27 years of age, I feel like I was living a lie.  Not like a full on blatant lie.  More like, I wasn't being true to myself.  To make matters more complex, up until a  couple of years ago I didn't even know I wasn't being true to myself.  All I knew was that I wasn't as happy as I know I could be.  And that I was standing in my own way.  Once I determined that I wasn't being honest and truthful with myself...I began the conscious effort of getting to my true self.  And in order to be my true self, I had to get over myself.  

I've had a lot of hurdles in life.  A LOT.  Yet, I think my biggest hurdle has been myself.
  
My Biggest Decision Has Been Letting Go of Fear:
To date, fear has been the thing I feared the most.  Just straight up fear itself.  The fear of the unknown.  Fear of fear itself.  There was a lot of fear and therefore many things I was afraid of.  I call this the "Fear Factor" (yes, I realize this is a hit tv show)...But, it's also what I call my biggest hurdle.  

What I feared the most was the unknown.  For a long time I somehow felt safer knowing where my life was...and being borderline unhappy.  I wasn't unhappy unhappy...I just wasn't as happy as I could be. 
  
One year ago today, I was thrown a bone.  On January 3rd, 2011 I became the recipient of the gift of unemployment.  I have been waking up to nothing but Saturday's for a year now.  To read more about "My Saturday Situation and the American Dream" click here.

I knew it was coming...for the year leading up to me being laid off my company was very open with me.  I knew the day was eventually going to come...but I didn't know when.  Knowing that you are going to lose your job...but not when is semi-maddening.  I woke up every day for a year thinking "Is today the day??"  Finally, when the day came I wasn't sad.  I was relieved.  I don't think I've ever been more relieved in my life than when I got "the call" from my Director.  It was finally over.

I was relieved because now I had the option of making some different life choices.  I wanted to do some major re-adjustments in my life and now I had the chance.

Nothing was holding me back:
I no longer had a job...so that was no longer holding me back.  
I wasn't even dating anyone...so I didn't have to take another person's feelings/life into consideration.  
I didn't have a house/lease to worry about.  
I didn't even any pets to take care of.  Or a house plant.  I didn't even have a FERN. 
I had NOTHING to consider except my myself and my own happiness.

In 2011, I decided to face my fear of the unknown and try a couple of things out.  I decided to let go of fear and just go with it.  And by "it", I mean "Life".
.  
So, in 2011 I Tried Something New:  Letting Go of Fear:

• I did not freak out when I was laid off.  I decided to change career paths instead.  This included deciding not to stay in sales and go in an entirely different direction. I am trying to be true to myself, which includes not settling for something that isn't right for me.  Am I independently wealthy??  NO.  NOT AT ALL.  I am however, a planner.  I always plan for the worst.  I had planned for the worst when I left my former domestic partner/shared dwelling situation.  In my mind, the worst scenario would be that I was living on my own and then lost my job.  So I saved up.  For two years, I saved everything.  And against all odds:  My worst fear was realized.  So when I lost my job, I knew I was going to be ok.  Why??  Because I had saved and budgeted my life into an excel document that said I was going to be ok.  So no, I am not wealthy.  I am just a planner that uses excel documents excessively when I need to make life decisions.  I seriously have made a document for every major decision of my life.  
• The day I became unemployed I took it as a sign and I decided to apply to Graduate school.  And since I am not independently wealthy, I also decided to apply for a scholarship to pay for said graduate school.  This process involved many things.  After six months of completing everything that needs to be completed in order to get school paid for...it actually worked.  I received an RSA scholarship that would pay for grad school.  I took this as another sign that I was going in the right direction.
• I didn't have any pets and I really missed taking care of all things furry.  I contacted someone at Panora PETS, a rescue organization in Panora, Iowa and decided to become a foster mom.  I ended up fostering two dogs:  Pooh Bear, and Mr. Bingley.  Being a foster mom for these two dogs changed my life.  (I shall blog more about these guys later).  I was able to get my pet fix, take care of two dogs that deserved it, and they ended up being adopted into loving homes...Which made my heart happy.  

Mr. Bingley and Pooh Bear

• I decided to take the winter off from dating.  I had my two foster dogs, and that's all I needed as far as "dudes" in my life.  I wanted to take a couple months and re-evaluate my dating decisions.  After about 15 years of dating, I noticed a pattern.  The pattern was:  ME.  The only common denominator in my past relationships was me, myself.  So in order to have a future healthy relationship, I needed to sit myself down and figure myself out.  So I took a break and re-evaluated some things. 
• I got a passport.  I've traveled throughout the US extensively.  A lot of my traveling was for former jobs and I've pretty much been to every state (minus Alaska, the upper upper NW, and Oregon/Washington).  I love traveling and really wanted to say that I had been out of the country before I turned 30.  So one of my girlfriend's and I decided it would be a good idea to go to Canada.  So as soon as I got my passport, we did.  There was an issue at the border and something was confiscated...and I had to be detained and sign some papers...But other than that it was a good trip.  (I shall blog about Canada later.)
• Around the time of Canada I met someone that I thought I would never date.  I honestly went on a date with him, just to see how bad it was.  It wasn't bad.  So I continued to date this person.  I swore up and down I would never date this guy.  Turns out, he's the love of my life.  I gave the last guy on earth I thought I'd date a chance, and he ended up being the best boo ever.  I love that guy.  
• I turned 30.  It's kind of a big deal to turn 30 when you are a woman...When you aren't married, with no children...not a home owner...Not employed and therefore not on a career path...you know the whole American dream.  There was a two month period (leading up to my birthday) where I kind of had a major problem with turning 30.  Once I turned 30 though, I decided it was awesome.  I love being 30.  I think my thirties are going to blow my 20's out of the water.
• A couple of days after turning 30, I had to intense longing to be around my family.   So randomly one day I got in the car with Mr. Bingley and drove 14 hours to visit my brother and his girlfriend in west Texas.  Earlier that day he had called me and told me he missed me.  I missed him too.  And since I had nothing but time on my hands, as I was waking up to nothing but Saturdays, I packed up, and left within the hour.  I spent a week with a couple people I loved.  It was awesome.  It was also a trip I needed.  I did a lot of thinking in Texas.  I also did a lot of eating. 

My brother and I

• I had the summer of my life.  Probably the best summer ever.  My friends made sure of that.  Having the summer "off"/being unemployed is nothing short of being the total bomb.  In addition to every day being a Saturday...Every Day Is A SUNNY Saturday Full of Fun.  So my summer was incredible.  (Except for August, which I'm not going to blog about.)  But minus, August, it was the best summer ever.  Pretty much every weekend was spent with friends on a boat/body of water/pool/lake...It was amazing.  Also, I got a wicked tan.    
• I entered graduate school.  Like, I actually started classes.  This is different than applying for graduate school.  Actually buying your books, and showing up to your first class makes everything real.  On my first day of class I remember taking forever to decide what to wear.  It was like the first day of middle school all over again.  I was convinced my outfit on the first day of class would determine the course of my education.  As I reflect on this now, I can't even remember what I wore.  I DO know that I did wear some articles of clothing...as I was not arrested.  However, the details of my actual outfit are unknown.  At any rate, I actually started school.  In three years I will be a Rehabilitation Counselor.   
• I finished my first semester of Graduate School.  Turns out, going back to school has been the best decision of my life.  I love my classes and the people in them.  I love everything about Rehabilitation Counseling.  So far, so good.
• 2011 was also the year that I let my friends and family fully emotionally support me.  It was the year that I let everyone into my vulnerabilities, insecurities, and fears.  I let my loved ones be there for me.  My friends and family are amazing.  My family doesn't live in the same state as I do, but they were emotionally there for me whenever I needed them.  The girl friends I have here in Iowa are nothing short of incredible.  If it wasn't for them, I don't know if I could have gone on this journey of getting over myself.  You have friends and then you have FRIENDS.  Like straight up, legit friends, that will be there for you no matter what...these girls are those friends.  They love me unconditionally...which I know for a fact.  I will be friends with these girls for the rest of my life.  And that's the best feeling ever.  

Girlfriends

• I also had the best holiday season of my life.  Normally, the holidays are stressful and sometimes non-fun.  This year however, it was different.  Instead of having panic attacks around the holidays, I looked forward to them.  It was the best year ever.  It was also the first year with my boo...And I'm pretty sure that had a lot to do with it.  We spent this holiday with everyone we cared about:  my friends, his friends, my family and his.  He and I also decided to spend all future holidays together.  We decided it would be for our own good to team up and just spend the rest of our lives together.   

My Boo and I

So, 2011 was a big year.  The Year that I Got Over Myself  (Or at least 85% of the way over myself).  I'm super pumped for 2012.  I'm also super pumped to continue getting over myself.  I'm glad that everything in my life has lead up to where I am today.  I am able to look at all of the mis-steps, and wrong turns and fully embrace my past.  I look forward to my future.  And because I am me: I know my future will embrace awkwardness, randomness, and there will be many stories.  Which I plan on sharing with you, my loyal and devoted readers (aka my mom). 

Let's Reflect, What Did We Learn?:

• Sometimes we make impossible and ridiculous resolutions like:  Rescuing an eagle...in hopes to set it free in the wild.     
• "Fear Factor" is not only a hit television series, it is also the main hurdle in my life.  
• Making excel documents is how I make major life decisions.
• I am 85% over myself.  I will spend the rest of my life getting over the last 15%.

So, I Ask You:?

What was your New Year's resolution??  What is your process of making life decisions??  Do you or do you not, want to rescue an eagle and set it free in the wild??

Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know In The First Place,

Miss Oakley

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