Self-Talk and Being Our Own Best Friends

Dear Readers,

On my own personal journey from illness to wellness I have changed many things. One of the things that I have changed is the way that I talk to myself.

I used to beat myself up for what I perceived as failures and ways that I had let myself down.

And I found this to be highly counter-productive. Some people may respond to short term self-criticism. Long term, it is not a great strategy. It becomes defeatist and a narrative that is hard to get outside of. You end up believing all of these false beliefs you have told yourself.

So I started being kinder to myself and speaking to myself as if I were talking to my best friend.

This was a game changer for me. Once I changed my inner dialogue I truly started to think differently about who I was as a person. I started to value and believe in my own worth.

It was a relatively simple thing to do, but took a decades for me to get to this point.

Being a women, the media and advertising has told me that I need to perfect every single part of my body. And if I was not perfect, that with some product, clothing item, or specific makeup item...I would me MORE. I would be more beautiful, have more of a perfect body, whatever.

And men, you also have your own set of standards that have been put in front of you via the media and ads...This is something that pertains to everyone. We are being told we are not enough.

I'm here to tell you that what you have been told by society and possibly through your own self-talk is not true. You are enough and you are worth value.

When we start to talk to ourselves in ways that are productive, loving, and with supportive language, going after our goals is a little easier.

Treat yourself well and be kind with with the words you choose to tell yourself.

You are the only you, you have. Take care of yourself. Once you support you, you can start to go after goals, hopes, and dreams more easily.

Be kind. Be your own best friend. Speak to yourself as if you were talking to that friend that you care a lot for. Positive self-talk leads to positive actions. And positive actions create better interactions between those that you love and care for. In the end, when you care for yourself, you care for others.

Miss Oakley

Challenging the Definition of Failure

Dear Readers,

Something has been on my mind for a while and I need to talk about it. There is this horrible, scary, and defeatist word that has been uttered in every aspect of my life: at work, with family and friends, and on social media.

What word has me so compelled as to write a post all about it?

FAILURE.

That word has me fired up and I want to share how I think and feel about failure.

First of all, I don't believe in it. Yes, I believe it is an actual word. But I no longer feel it applies to me. There was a time in my life I let it define me and sat in shame and fear so paralyzing...I could not move forward with my life. And then things went from bad to worse and I literally had nothing left. I did not have a job, my health was in shambles, and I had walked away from a decade long relationship. I was living in a town by myself without family and had no other options. It was only then, when I was out of options, that I had to confront this word. It was at my lowest low, that I had to...needed to...and decided to...change how I thought, felt, and responded to that awful word...Failure.

And I am so glad I did.

As I researched the word and what it meant to so many people I found a common theme. From teenagers to grandparents: no one wanted to fail. Some, like me, sat in paralyzing fear of the unknown and never tried what they wanted to try or lived how they wanted to live out of fear of failure.

Having seen the bottom and knowing my only option was up, I threw away how I interacted with failure and decided to replace it with another word: INFORMATION.

Failure is not a destiny or a way of life. It is a boldness to try something new or different with a hope or dream attached. With trying this new thing or going after a dream, we learn information about ourselves along the way. That information is valuable data that can be used to re-assess and re-apply to new tasks, hopes, and dreams. The more things we try and goals we are bold enough to wish to achieve, the richer our data is about ourselves.

Today, I work as a Counselor and on a daily basis I ask my clients to trust the process and confront their fear of failure. I explain my approach to this word and we talk about "the worst thing that could happen" if they went after a goal of theirs. We also talk about "the best thing that could happen". Generally, after going for a goal, neither the best, nor the worst fear occurs and the client lands somewhere in the middle of the attainment of their goal. They also have richer data and information about themselves. And here is pride in going after something one once thought they could or should not. And that counts for a lot.

Last year I started a small business. And it was exciting. People asked me time and time again if I was scared of failing...and I felt that question was ridiculous. There was no way I could fail at doing something I loved and would do anyway. After starting this company, I ended up not losing everything I owned (the worst thing that could happen) and I also am not retired and living the good life in a tropical location (the best thing that could have happened). I landed somewhere in the middle. And I learned a lot of valuable INFORMATION about myself and about starting a business. This information and learning has been distributed to others...and they either started their own businesses...or decided to go after a goal of theirs. There was a ripple effect in my life when I went after this goal and dream of mine. And it most certainly was not a failure.

When I decided to be bold enough to look failure in the face: I realized it was not this scary and feared word that I once gave all of my power it to. It was my own face in the mirror staring back at me. When I started to love and accept myself, I let go of this word entirely and replaced it with a new word: Information. Because that is what you learn when you go after hopes and dreams and try new things.

Be bold. Do not give all of your power to one single word. Do not let others force their beliefs and power of this word on your hopes and dreams. Your hopes and dreams deserve to be validated, and honored with the learning of new data. There is valuable information for you to learn about yourself. So go after what you want, see what happens, and take this new information about yourself and apply it to other hopes and dreams in other aspects of your life.

If you do decide to look failure in the face, you may notice your own face staring back at you. Love that face and accept it. I am here to tell you the road is less rough and the surroundings more beautiful after you accept the face of a person that has been with you this whole time.

Miss Oakley