A Journey Called Life

Dear Readers,

Life can sometimes be a wild ride. At times, it's an endurance test. It can be both beautiful and challenging. In short: life is a journey.

Journey's take time and they are comprised of trips, detours, maps, and can sometimes be a series of getting lost.

And that is okay.

Life is not about the final destination, but rather the journey that it takes to get there.

It takes both ups and downs to get through life. The downs make the ups more beautiful and rewarding. The ups make the downs bearable and worthy of getting up to face another day.

Your journey is unique and individual. No two people follow the same path.

There is a proverb that says "All roads lead to Rome."

And that is true.

Not every one will follow the same path to get to their final destination.

Your path at times may not be clear and you will have to fight through the dark to find your next step. And that also is okay.

Because life is unique to us all, so is our journey. It is therefore, counterproductive to compare your journey against that of another person. They are not on your path and have not lived your life. So why are you comparing yourself to them?

The only person you can compare yourself against is: the person you were yesterday. Strive to be better than you were the day before. Embrace your journey and own it as your own. You are unique and so is your path.

Miss Oakley
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Gratitude Changes Attitude: Ways to Practice Gratefulness

Dear Readers,  

                                             
Gratitude is a game changer to our perspective on life.

In life, the more grateful we are, the more it creates a positive outlook to our current situations.

It's all about how you look at things.

Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% the attitude about what happens to us.

Charles R. Swindoll has said:
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable think is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only think we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes." 

When you choose to be grateful about life and the experiences it gives you...your mindset begins to change. 

Practicing gratitude can be easy and very rewarding.

Ways to practice gratitude:

• Keep a small journal on you- write down the things you have to be grateful for on a daily basis in a notebook. On bad days, you may have to really look for things. It could be something as simple as: "I'm grateful for this pen and this paper, it gives me ways to express my joy of life." I have a friend who writes down rather comical things about her life in her gratitude journal. She is thankful in situations that may irritate others. Yet, she chooses to find the humor in her gratitude. It is the humor around the situation that gets her through unfortunate times. She often finds the funny in the unfunny. 
• If a pen and paper are not your style, you could keep a running list on the notepad of your phone/computer. That way, you could update your gratitude journal on the go. 
• You can also practice gratitude in the moment. If someone does something kind, make sure you honor their kindness by letting them know they are appreciated. Kindness in life is not required. Make sure the other person knows you recognized their efforts. A little goes a long way.
• Practicing gratitude can also be done for others that have not done anything for you. Like when it comes to volunteering. You can choose to give back because you are grateful for the things you have, when others have less. Volunteering is an extension of gratitude. 
• Mindful meditation is another way that you can express gratitude. I do this while hiking or going on walks. I don't take my phone with me, but rather stay present in the here and now. I appreciate the sounds of the birds tweeting, the smell of the grass, and the breeze in the air. I let negative thoughts float by me in my mind and focus on the good in the moment: The ground beneath my feet and the fact that I have the privilege to go on this walk. 

Numerous research has stated that our attitude and gratefulness is what gets us through the often tedious tasks of living life. Life throws a lot our way and it is important to have positive strategies to fight negativity. Even the negativity in our own minds.

When we practice gratitude it impacts our attitude on life. The more grateful we are, the more positive our attitudes will be. 

So go ahead, allow yourself to adopt an attitude of gratitude. Life is, in fact, all about perception. Perceive it with gratefulness. 

Miss Oakley

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There Is No "Normal"

Dear Readers,

"Normal" is a word that gets thrown around a lot. 

It's used to describe everything from relationships to what we have having for dinner.

It's also a word I strongly dislike.

The reasons for my dislike are many. Mainly, it is because using "normal" is yet another way we compare ourselves to our ideal of what is accepted in society. 

Also, there is nothing that is "normal." Everything, everyone, and every situation is unique.

Your definition of "normal" and the "normal" of another person could be completely different. 

For example: The "normal' work weeks of the following four people:

Person 1: works 40 hours a week, Monday through Friday. This is their normal.

Person 2: works 60 hours a week, 7 days a week. This is their normal.

Person 3: works 32 hours a week, on weekends only and at night. This is their normal.

Person 4: works part time at two jobs, hours and days vary. This is their normal.

Each person in the above example has their own "normal." Yet, their "normal" is not in line with any other person's.

Here is another example of a "normal" gym schedule for the following four people:

Person 1: Works out Mon, Wed, Fri after work. This is their normal.

Person 2: Does not work out, takes the stairs when they can. This is their normal.

Person 3: Works out twice a week. This is their normal.

Person 4: Works out every day in the morning. This is their normal.

What I am trying to get you to see, is that "normal" for one person, does not translate to "normal" to another person. "Normal", therefore, is an internal and personal definition. Not an outward one to judge ourselves against.

So, why do we then compare ourselves to other's "normal" when everyone's "normal" is different and unique to their situation??

My challenge to you is to re-define "normal." When you use it to define yourself, you are actually comparing and therefore, restricting yourself to the definition of what another person/society holds.

Society tries to make us fit into neat little "normal" boxes. And this just does not work. Humans are very unique and no two people are alike. 

I challenge you to stop and think about your use of the word "normal." When you find yourself using it...expand on your definition. What are you really trying to say by using the word "normal"? What does "normal" mean to you? 

I myself do not use the word "normal" at all. Ever. For any reason. Typing this post is the first time I've written/said it in years. To me, "normal" is restrictive and counterproductive to our growth. We do not move forward when we compare ourselves to self-imposed standards of society. In order to move forward we need to be our unique selves. And that comprises a variety of situations and life experiences. 

There is no "normal." There are only unique people in unique situations, dealing with the task of living life. 

Miss Oakley

Please feel free to share, comment, and ask questions!

On twitter? Me too! https://twitter.com/MissOakley

Get Ahead Over The Weekend

Dear Readers,

Weekends are wonderful. They give you a break from work and the cycle that is life.

They also are time where most people take a break from their usual habits and let loose.

And letting loose is great. In fact, it's natural and healthy.

Here's a suggestion: Let loose in a way that SUPPORTS you in your overall goals, and not take you further from them.

For example: If your goal is to lose weight or get a new job... hitting up the park for a hike or volunteering would be in support of those goals.

The weekend starts on Friday and ends Sunday. By my count that is three days out of a total of seven that comprises your week.

Three days therefore consists of 43% of your total time.

If you cheat yourself out of the weekend, you are cheating yourself out of 43% of your week. You have worked hard for the other 57%.

The weekend allows you to keep going and literally give it 100%.

This post is not to make you feel bad, but to point out that the weekends are a great time to let loose IN WAYS THAT SUPPORT YOU AND YOUR GOALS.

Forbes recently posted an article that stated that there are 14 ways that successful people get ahead over the weekend: Successful people:
1. Make Time for Family/Friends
2. Exercise
3. Pursue Passions
4. Vacation
5. Disconnect
6. Volunteer
7. Plan
8. Socialize
9. Be Artistic
10. Socialize
11. Network
12. Reflect
13. Meditate
14. Recharge

Link to the Forbes article here: http://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2013/02/22/14-things-successful-people-do-on-weekends/2/

Do something that is in line with your overall life goals and do that instead of things that take you further from your goals. You are worth it! Give it 100% and you'll reach your goals in no time.

Miss Oakley

On Twitter? Me too! https://twitter.com/MissOakley

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Allow Yourself to Be Human: Replace "But" with "And"

Dear Readers,

Your self talk and how you see yourself has a direct impact on how you feel about yourself.

You will often hear people trying to validate why they did not do something. This validation is negative and extremely counterproductive.

Example: "I didn't go to the gym today, but I will tomorrow."

The "But" in that statement is where you fail yourself.
Not only are you:
1) Being too hard on yourself by
stating what you did not do.
2) You are setting yourself up for future failure by trying to immediately remedy the first statement by making empty promises in the following statement.

How many times have you said: "I didn't ______, but _____"??

MANY.

Here is the deal: IT'S OKAY THAT YOU DID NOT DO SOMETHING.

Unless you signed a contract with yourself or others: most goals are and should be flexible. Given the fact that life is chaotic and changes.

It's okay that you did not do something. However it's the "BUT" that is taking you further from your goal.

Instead, you could say: "I didn't____AND, that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day."

You aren't bashing and making false plans with yourself. You're allowing yourself to be human (and not be

the superman/woman you wish to be.)

AND THAT'S OKAY!

It's okay to not immediately remedy the situation. It's okay to not do something.

You are human and you are not expected to have a perfect day each and every single day. You also do not need to publicly state what you did not do to others. The world will not stop spinning if you didn't work out...or if you didn't answer all your emails at work...or you didn't finish all the laundry. It may be inconvenient that you did not do these things...but at the end of the day, the world will keep spinning.

When you say that you did not do something and then add a "BUT" onto it, it's damaging to how you see yourself. You are making yourself a failure, when you are not.

You are human. And you won't get everything done every single day. AND that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day.

Miss Oakley

Feel free to Share, Comment, And Ask Questions!

On Twitter? Me too! https://twitter.com/MissOakley

Toxic Relationships Suck Us Of Our Energy: Ways to Create Boundaries & Build Your Support System

Dear Readers,

I wanted to talk to you today about your relationships with others.

We all have that friend/family member/co-worker that is super negative. About everything. Nothing ever seems to go right for this person. And every time we are around this person it zaps us of our energy. You never walk away from a conversation with them and say, "Hey, I'm super energized right now! I think I should go and do something worthwhile!" No, you want to eat a sandwich and take a nap afterwards.

After being around negative people you often feel drained. You could even feel depressed.

Another symptom of being around these types of individuals, is that you start feeling negative yourself. You're energy is sucked from you and your outlook on life has diminished. Their negative outlook, is now yours. This is not good. 

This blog is to tell you: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CONTINUE TO DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

You do not need to continue to engage with toxic individuals.

The first thing you need to do is to evaluate these negative relationships. What do you gain by being in them? How do they serve you?

If you find that you do not gain anything and that they do not serve you...take action to step away from these types of relationships.

In order to walk away, you will need to set personal boundaries. These are boundaries for YOU. Not the negative person. You need to decide what you will and will not put up with. Do not confuse boundaries for ultimatums. Boundaries are internal and personal. Ultimatums are threats and highly ineffective with toxic individuals.

Once you have set your own personal boundaries with this person(s), begin to look for ways to engage more in positive relationships that you already have.

Positive relationships are individuals who energize and support us. They are people that "get" us.

If you have found that you do not have many positive relationships, then go seek them out and start building a better support system. It will take effort or your part to get out there. This effort will be worth it in the end.

Positive people are everywhere. The problem is that negative people are often more needy and have taken up all of your time. 

Note: you may have to go outside of your friends, family, and co-workers to find this type of support. The best way to find it is by being involved in the things that make you happy.

Note #2: You may have to have different positive support people for different areas of your life.

The positive support person that you may have at work, may not be the same person you have to support you in your fitness goals.

It's okay to seek out  new relationships. Relationships do not have to come to us, we can go and find them. It's often necessary.

Give yourself permission to be supported by positive people. Once you are more supported in a positive way, you will no longer allow yourself to get sucked into your former negative relationships. Finding positive support may take some effort on your part. So, go out and find that support. You are worth it. Life it too short to have your energy sucked dry by toxic relationships.

Life throws a lot of things your way, it's up to you to create boundaries with negative individuals, and build up your own positive support system.

Miss Oakley

Feel free to ask questions, comment, and share!

On twitter?? Me too!! https://twitter.com/MissOakley

Advocating for Others: The Other Side of the Story

Dear Readers,

I get really fired up for employment. The reasons are many. But the fact remains: Careers are important.

Careers and jobs give us a sense of purpose and an identity.

For some, a job gives a reason to wake up in the morning.

Think about it...Each time you meet a new person, their first questions is: "What do you do?"

What do I do?? My job is: Jobs.

I'm a Job Developer and a Career Coach. I'm also a Graduate Student in school to become a Rehabilitation Counselor- with a focus on Vocational Rehabilitation.

In short, I have made the decision to focus my career on: Careers.

I have always been passionate about employment. I myself have been working since the age of 12. In the last couple of years I found myself un-employed. And was un-employed for almost a year and a half. In that time, I learned a lot about myself. At the time, I did not understand why. I now know why: I needed this to happen.

I'm a firm believer in the fact that we learn from every stumble in life. I needed to understand the sense of job loss and therefore the loss of my identity. I needed to feel the deep depression and helplessness that goes along with losing a job. I needed to struggle. I needed to learn. Losing my job and being unemployed myself has caused me to become more empathetic to the situation of my clients.

Some of the clients I work with are employed. They are just either under-employed, or not working in fields that offer a long term career outlook. Other clients I work with are not employed at all, and either have never been employed, or have not been employed for quite some time.

All of the clients I work with are not living up to their career potential. And because all of them are "Most Significantly Disabled" usually, by the time they come to me: I am their last shot. Everyone is out of ideas. Society has given up on them entirely.

I believe that I needed to myself be unemployed to understand just what my clients go through. So although it did not make sense at the time...it now does.

All of my clients have a disability and or a mental illness that is considered "Most Significant." It is my job to assist my clients in all aspects of their career search. And I get really excited for employment. Especially employment of individuals with various barriers. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE TO. I'm their last shot and they often have no one else in their corner. If I'm not excited...Why should they be?!

Therefore, I get really excited  for jobs. My excitement is on another level. 

Why?? Because what is good for individuals with disabilities and or mental illness...Is good for society as a whole. The more individuals work, the more they become self-reliant and independent. Their symptoms lesson in the right employment environment. They start to see their potential. They want to work more. They tell their friends and family members that also may have a disability and or mental illness...then they too want to work. It begins a positive chain reaction. It's good for my clients and it's good for society as a whole. Everyone wins when individuals with mental illness and or disabilities are competitively employed.

The individuals that I work with are those that are considered "Most Significantly Disabled."

They are individuals that have:

• A physical barrier that limits employment..
• A mental illness that creates a barrier to employment.
• A transportation barrier such as: not having a license, not living on a bus route, or having a license but not the means to have their own vehicle or access to a vehicle.
• An educational barrier such as: having not graduated from high school or currently working on a GED.
• A work history barrier such as: Not having any work history, Being out of the workforce for a period of time, having been employed in a field that is no longer exists.
• A housing barrier such as: living in transitional housing (the YMCA), living in unsafe housing, or living in temporary housing (friend or relative.)
• A communication barrier such as: being non-verbal, being deaf, or not having access to a phone or the internet.
• A self-care barrier such as: not having access to a shower, not having the physical means to proper self care.
• A support system barrier such as: not having caring friends or family or anyone that can talk to regarding life.
• A community barrier: being a sex offender, having a criminal record, being on the child abuse or adult abuse registries. 
• And these are just the personal barriers. These are not accounting for the societal barriers of what employers think of individuals with disabilities and mental illness. This does not account for how they have been treated because of their disability. 

Not all of the clients I work with have ALL of these barriers. Some may have a couple.. Some may have all of these plus some that were not listed.

Some, but not all, of the clients I work with are living on SSI or SSDI. And or Food Stamps. And or reduced housing. And or Medicaid.

I guess this is what the general public calls "Welfare." I guess if you consider living off of $681 dollars a month being "well" and "fair."

My job is to help these clients obtain jobs. It is my job to: help the client search, apply, interview, and maintain jobs. It is also my job to open doors to employers being willing to want to hire someone with the above stated barriers to employment.

My role is to coach the client on what it means to have meaningful employment. To look at the long-term picture. To convince them that they are better off in the long run not to live "off the system" but to work and earn a living.

The hardest part of my job is not the client. Even with all of their barriers to employment.

The hardest part of my job is: Society...How society looks at and treats those with disabilities and mental illness. How employers look and think about individuals with mental illness and disability.

By the time I enter the client's life...They have been treated like they are sub-human. I have met pets that have been treated better by society than some of the clients I work with.

It's heartbreaking.

At the same time, it is also very rewarding.

The other day I dropped a client off after walking into multiple employers...having them look at her...and basically say there was NO WAY they would EVER hire her...For her to say to me: "Thank you so much for helping me. I don't know what I would do without you. I'd be lost. You're the only person who cares."

Wow.

And I am just doing my job. Yes, I do care. But for this client...I'm the only one.

My job is hard. But it's worth it. I believe in it.

I believe in the system helping someone until they find the strength and courage to help themselves.

Does it always work out like that? No. But it does some of the time. For some individuals, finding the right job restores their sense of purpose and gives them a reason to go on.

And sadly, what the general public sees/hears are all the stories of how the system does not work. The media only sensationalized the bad stories. For every bad story you hear, there are 100's and even 1,000's of success stories that are never shared.

I see how it does work. I see those successes.

It's my job to stay optimistic and to be hopeful. I have to be hopeful in order to encourage and motivate my clients. Because often times, I am their only support system. And I'm not giving up on them. 

A lot of times society has given up on my clients. And they have given up on themselves.

Me? I'm not giving up. I won't give up. I will keep getting up every day and try to break down barriers. Both actual barriers and attitudinal barriers. This is my goal in life: To change how people think of individuals with disabilities and mental illness.

I will advocate for those that cannot for themselves until I can no longer do so. Until I myself have a disability...Because if we are fortunate to live long enough, ALL of us will acquire a disability. And then my hope is that someone will then advocate for me.

This is me advocating. 

Miss Oakley

Follow me on twitter @MissOakley

Explore

Dear Readers,

The Dalai Lama once said:
"Once a year, go somewhere you've never been before."

We often go where we feel the most comfortable. Why? Because it's COMFORTABLE. Everyone likes comfort. That's probably why they make sweat pants out of cotton and not cactus.

However, if we stay where we are comfortable then we never become uncomfortable.

It is within our discomfort that we learn about ourselves, our response to the world, and reflect on that discomfort. In short, discomfort is where we learn.

This post is not to tell you to take some tropical vacation once a year. But rather, to get outside your zone of comfort and try something new.

Explore. 

Do something different. 

Learn something new.

You can do this in many many ways. The possibilities are literally endless.

My challenge to you is to get outside of what you know. Do something different. Be bold.

In order to do something you haven't experienced, you need to go into it with an open mind. Also, it helps drop your ego at the door. It's okay not to know something. And it's okay to ask for help.

It's also okay to let things get weird and for it to be uncomfortable. That's when we learn and grow as humans. That's what sets us apart from every other mammal on earth.

Uncomfortable is just that: Uncomfortable. But it's bearable and it's short-lived. Embrace it. Allow yourself to not know what you are doing and be alright with trying/doing/going somewhere you have never been before.

Self Disclosure: I started to explore years ago. I did this by saying "Yes" to everything I was invited to. I have learned a lot by doing this and have made new friends while doing so. Now, doing new things and exploring is my absolute favorite hobby. Things that I enjoy today, are things that I tried on a whim years ago.

Get out there. Try something new. Travel to different places. Accept an invitation to an event you would not normally attend. Do something to surprise yourself.

**Note: If the thought of doing something out of the ordinary terrifies you...try it on a smaller scale. Take a new way home from work. Buy a different flavor of lip balm. I'm not asking you to backpack in the desert, just to try new things and see if you learn something about yourself/the world.

Be you. Be bold. Life is short, get out and explore. 
(Even if your version of exploration means eating an orange instead of an apple.)

Miss Oakley

Questions? Comments? Want to share this post? Go ahead! It will literally make my day!

Celebrate Small Successes

Dear Readers,

We all have goals. Big ones, small ones...Even if your goal is to "make it through today." That is still a goal.

This post is here to inform you that you should CELEBRATE success that honor your goals.

Reward yourself when you have been working hard on your plan.

The reward should align WITH your plan. Meaning, the reward should move you TOWARDS, not away from your goal.

For example, If your goal is fitness: A good reward would be to buy new sneakers or hit up a class that you have been wanting to try. (A bad reward would be to eat an entire cake after a workout or order pizza straight from the gym.)

If your goal is to get a promotion: Celebrate finishing a big project. Go to a networking event. Take a class. Do something that moves you forward towards your promotion.

The reason that celebrating success is so important is that: one success leads to future success.

When you celebrate a success, you are recognizing and honoring that step in the overall journey to reach your goal. When you see that you are actually moving forward with your goals, things start to become easier.

You start losing weight. You get that promotion. You clean that bathroom that you have been putting off for a while...

Whatever your goal is, celebrate the steps that it takes to get you the desired end result. Remember: the celebration needs to be in line with your goal AND be a positive one. Celebration should never take you further away from your goal...that isn't celebration, that's called sabotage.

So go ahead, celebrate success. Even the small ones. It's all the small wins that lead up to the championship game in life. Celebrate those wins. You deserve it.

You owe it to yourself to celebrate you. When you honor your forward movement, it will propel you into successfully achieving your goals.

Miss Oakley

Please feel free to share, comment, and ask questions.
On twitter? So am I! https://twitter.com/MissOakley

Ways to Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive Ones

Dear Readers,

Negativity is everywhere. Examples: The media. It's what our friends come to us to discuss. And most destructively, it is in our own heads.

All this negativity creates more negativity. In the counseling world we all this a "Negative Feedback Loop." An example of a negative feedback loop would be: You telling someone that you feel sad or depressed. The other person in turn says "stop feeling sad/depressed." This results in you feeling MORE sad/depressed. One negative thought, created another, which in turn, escalated the already negative situation.

We also do this to ourselves. We get upset about something. And then we get more upset that we even ARE upset. This creates more anger and more general negativity about a situation.

I call these negative thoughts and feelings around our thoughts: "Stinkin Thinkin."

The good thing about Stinkin Thinkin is that we are in charge of our own thoughts, and  therefore, can work to create ways to diminish those negative feedback loops.

Here are a couple strategies to stop negative thinking:

Next time your friend or family member says they are sad/depressed...stop yourself from telling them not to be sad/depressed. If it was that easy, they would have stopped long ago. Instead, ask them how you can support them in their recovery of being sad/depressed. They may just need something as simple as a sympathetic ear to listen. Or, ask them to remember a time when they weren't sad or depressed and see what circumstances surrounded that positive experience. Then help them find those "bright spots" in their daily lives...or occasions where they are not sad or depressed. Support them in finding those small things that they do find enjoyable. NOTE: only support things that are positive. For example, if binge drinking or eating 3 pizzas make them happy...this is counterproductive and should not be supported. But, if exercising, walking their dog, or playing with their children are their bright spots in their day...then support those things.

If you personally are experiencing "Stinkin Thinkin" then file away your negative thoughts: IN THE TRASH CAN. Honor your self-destructive thoughts by writing them down, and then ceremoniously throw them away. When you toss away that negative thought, also toss away your emotions and feelings to that thought. It is important to honor those thoughts rather than just ignoring them. If you ignore something, it will show it's way back to you in one way or another. Writing down your thought validates what you are feeling. This is the first step in changing your thought process. If you notice that you continually write down similar negative thoughts, then the next step is to make a plan to do something about those thoughts. You can never change the way you think without conscious action in order to change your thought process. Otherwise you will spend years of your life believing your own negative thoughts.

Another thing you can do is start replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. This can be done by keeping a gratitude journal or by making notes in your phone of the small things in your day that made you happy. Even on the worst days, there is something positive. Otherwise, you would not continue going on. Start looking for those bright areas in your life. This could be done at night when you start to worry about your "To Do" list for the next day. Instead of worrying, write down a couple things that made you smile over the day. You will sleep easier when you focus on the good, and not on what you need to get done. Tomorrow will come regardless of whether or not you spend time worrying before you go to bed. Why not spend that time reviewing your bright spots in the day?

Be kind to yourself. You are the only you, you have.

Miss Oakley

If you are on twitter...I share health/wellness and counseling/motivational info as I come across it at: https://twitter.com/MissOakley

Please feel free to comment, share, and ask questions!