Excerpt from my MySpace Profile Circa 2005 in which I Talk about my “Extreme Athleticism":

I wouldn't call myself a "hardcore athlete" but I do love being around people and like the idea of being  part of a team.  Plus, it’s nice to stay in shape (aka fit in my pants).  Additionally, I like being active because I want to live to be 100, totally senile, yell at everything, and have a cotton top.

Random…and without any transition… Ever notice that every CT has a box of kleenex in the back window of their car??  I mean, don't get me wrong...good idea and everything...but not the most optimal location.  How are you going to blow your nose while turning up the base to the Wu Tang Klan (because if there’s one thing old people love, it’s the Wu Tang Klan) when the kleenex are all the way back there??  Logistically, not the best idea.

Anyway…back to my Extreme Athleticism.  So, I like to try all these different sports; yet am not actually good at any of them.  My attention span averages around 2 minutes and I don’t like to sweat.  This rules out a lot of sports.  However, it doesn’t keep me from trying.  

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:  A couple of years ago (in college) I went kayaking in Hawaii with my little brother DooDoo*.  I saw a bunch of people in the ocean just kayaking their little hearts out.  They looked like they were having the time of their lives.  The actual look on their faces was just pure ecstasy (or at least that was my interpretation).  So I convince my little brother DooDoo* that we needed to bond…and the only way we could achieve this level of bonding experience is if we were to Kayak… in Maui…right at that very moment.  Initially he thought I was joking.  After much discussion (me whining), we decided to do it.   I’m pretty sure he did it just to shut me up. 

Whatever, we rented a kayak for 4 hours.  He thought we only would need it for one, but I was convinced that we were going to set sail, totally love it, and probably be out there for days.  Turns out, we could have gotten by with an hour and still had 50 minutes left to spare.  Once we picked out the cutest kayak (cuteness is very important when selecting a kayak), drug it out into the ocean, and started to row…I realized:  A) I have no upper body strength  and B) do not in fact enjoy kayaking .  Whatsoever.
 

I can only imagine the thoughts of jealousy as onlookers saw us rowing in circles.  Why were we going in circles??  Because only one of us was rowing.  The other person decided it was a much better idea to take off their life jacket, lie down in the kayak, and try and get a tan.  You decide who was who.

At any rate, DooDoo* claims he’ll never kayak with me again. 

Same Hawaii vacation…we run into Phoebe from “Friends”.  Somehow we convince her (I think this was the work of my aunt) and her family into playing volleyball with us.  I love playing sand volleyball .  What I do not love is knocking down one of Phoebe’s children as I tried to save the ball.  True story.

While I’m thinking about Hawaii…I’m reminded of yet, another time I was awesome.  This time, snorkeling was my activity of choice.   I thought it was a good idea…because I had pink snorkel gear.  (The color of your snorkeling equipment is essential and should be the only basis as to what you buy.) 

So, my brother Jack*, his girlfriend, and I go out into the ocean together.  My game plan was to swim out as far as we could.   And then get our snorkeling on.  Other plans were thrown out…due to the fact that they were based on actual rational ideas.  And since, I’m the oldest (and therefore the wisest), we went with my plan.   

Not a good plan.  Mainly based on my endurance level.  We spent about 20 minutes swimming out to our spot.  When we get to said spot, I realize:
A)  I’m over snorkeling
B) I’m not a fan of treading water , especially when it’s over 100 ft deep
C)  “Hey, there’s a bunch of fish down there that are freaking me out.”   And...  "Why is a pool of sting rays coming towards us??” 

At the same time, my brother’s girlfriend gets a leg cramp.  To make a short story long…my brother Jack* ends up having to save us both, David-Hasselhoff-style, and bring us back to shore.   I remember him not being a fan of this.  I also remember everyone claiming that this was one of my worst ideas ever. 

Jack*claims he’ll never snorkel with me again.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the identity of my brothers.  They have had to live through these stories once, and I imaging re-living them would be as traumatic, if not more, the second time around.

Also, when I my scanner decides to cooperate, I’ll post pictures to go along with this ridiculousness. 

Look Forward to More Stories of my Extreme Athleticism Including:

Canoeing my with my brother Jack*

Middle School Hurdles

Little Brother Teaches Older Sister How to Ride Her Bike

Iowa Games 2009 Domination

Training for a Marathon

I Bought a Bike because it Fit in My Trunk

4-Wheeling Minus My Pants

I-Have-A-Pair-Of-Jordans-So-Therefore-I’m-Going-To-Try-Out-For-The-Basketball-Team

Cliff Jumping Takes the Place of an Enema

Band Camp Belly Flop

Snow Boarding Looks Cool

Trying Out for the Hockey Cheerleading Team

Intramural Inner Tube Water Basketball

Tae Kwon Do.  Because I Can.

I Played Soccer For the Orange Slices

Using the Hood of Your Car as a Sled