Getting My House In Order

Coping skills are neat. They are what get us through life. And being a new mom, I have found that I needed to add to my coping skills in this new and foreign land of motherhood.

At my postpartum check-in with my midwife a couple weeks ago a realization was made: I have temporarily lost my go-to coping skill of intense exercise due to childbirth. She validated my experience as to how hard coping can be for mom's who use exercise for stress relief. I could have hugged her for this insight. It was simple and so true. I had lost one of my major coping skills for the time being. And while I mourned the loss of my favorite hobby, lifting heavy. (R.I.P. Weight belts and chalk). I did realize that there are many other ways to deal with stress and life changes. I just needed to tap into different areas of self-care.

Being a counselor and just a solution-oriented person overall, I made a list of things to try and do to add to my basket of coping and self-care. Meditation was one of them.

Up until this point, I have only practiced mindful walking meditation in nature. I love being surrounded by nature and being lost in its presence. However, I live in Iowa and it is winter. I do not want to be outside and lost anywhere right now.

So my husband told me about an app, Headspace, and encouraged me to use it. Well, he actually has been talking about this app for over a year and I never really got to try it out or to make a habit out of meditating. But with being a new mom, I became even more open to trying something other than getting poop in my hair or baby barf in my mouth (actually happened.) And I started to meditate slowly...when I had time. Which was about once per week at the beginning. And it was hard to take the time when a tiny person was dependent on me for everything. As well as, being exhausted on top of it. When forced with the decision to sit in stillness with my thoughts, or to check social media and space out...it was easy to pick spacing out. Because watching cute videos of puppies are always more fun than sitting with your own crazy thoughts. Right? I have since started making more time to meditate. And I am learning a lot about myself. Is this easy to do with a new baby? No. But I am grateful to have started a meditation practice. Research says that after six hours of meditation your brain starts to change. I have not yet reached six hours, but the changes are already present. So I will definitely keep this up.

Along with meditating, I added several other skills to my bucket of calm. One major change was journaling. For myself. Not this blog, but actual pen to paper. And I love it. Journaling has been something over the course of my life that I keep coming back to. I have books filled with my thoughts dating back to grade school in my basement. My husband has been instructed to either burn or publish them when I die. (I'm undecided if everyone or no one should read them.) At any rate, there is nothing like getting the crap out of my head and onto paper first thing in the day. Then I do not have to think about it, because it's out there.

The other fun self-care practice I recently added has been yoga. I have always liked yoga, but during pregnancy it did not speak to me. At all. I did not want to stretch and get into poses with a giant wiggly basketball that danced on my bladder. Not even the prenatal yoga. Stretching, yes. But not yoga. So I stepped away from it. I'm now two and a half months postpartum and have been wrestling with the fact that I cannot lift heavy due to parts of my body needing to repair and recover before moving forward. This is very hard for me. To sit, be patient, and wait. I want to lift up a car, sweat until it hurts, and get weird in the gym. Seriously. I had grand ideas of what I would be doing athletically this year. And I am not giving up on those goals, it's just that I am making peace with what is. And still yearning for exercise, I looked to yoga again. Being on maternity leave with a small mini me makes it hard to hit up a yoga class. And quite honestly, I do not want to go to a standard yoga class as I want to focus on specific areas of my body that still need to heal. As well as, spend time with this amazing kid. So I found some yoga channels on YouTube designed for the postpartum phase. And it has been wonderful. Yoga is very humbling and has meditative qualities. It's something I can do until I'm old and obnoxious and there is reason I have come back to it. And P.S. how great is YouTube?? Cat videos for DAYS.

With these newly implemented coping strategies (plus several others) added to my motherhood toolbox, I have noticed something. On the days that I take care of myself and take the time for self-care,  I am more at ease with everything. I'm also a better mom when I take care of me.

As a side-effect of making time for me, I have started to clean and get really organized? Now the thing to note here is that I am not a cleaner. I am more of the creative type and "have to be in the mood" to clean. Am I the type to start a company or a blog...yes. But will I always clean my bathroom on a Thursday because that is cleaning day? No. Absolutely not. But lately, I am cleaning and organizing. And I really attribute that to the emptying of the clutter out of my brain with journaling, meditation, and yoga. I am literally cleaning up my surroundings along with my thoughts. (It could also be that I am now a mom and I have to be organized, otherwise this whole thing is going to be a disaster.) Who knows. All I know is that I am feeling more clear-headed and my house is starting to get in order. STARTING being the key word here. I'm still me and right now my bathroom is dirty. But I typed up a blog entry. So baby steps, right?

Mom Jeans

My Daughter, My Teacher

I'm about 2 and half months into being a new mom. And I have to say, motherhood has really shuffled my deck of cards. Never have I been so introspective and mindful in my life. It has challenged and changed me as a person. I'm truly in a process of becoming. And knowing that I do not know everything. And never will. Could that be the point of this whole human experience?

Motherhood has been so many different things. My soul has awakened and yet my spirit is at times, exhausted.

Through my daughter, I am learning so much. She has been the tiniest of teachers, with me being her frazzled pupil. She is so present and in awe of the world and this has made me more aware of what I am doing, how I am spending my time. Always watching and learning from me. It's quite the responsibility.

While at the same time, just balancing keeping it all together. And knowing now that this does not have be perfect.

I'm starting to become a better person through my child. More empathetic towards the human condition. I have made amends for things I did not know previously, while also feeling connected to other mothers and my community as a whole. My tribe is expanding in ways I never imagined.

This all sounds kind of over the top, but I truly am in the midst of a transformation. I'm awake and yet exhausted all at the same time. Full of love and frustration at once.

I could write an extensive list of things she has shown me to be true. But I'm choosing to let the feelings flow and continue to grow and expand, day by day. For now it is best to not define what is happening and allowing the process to unfold itself. Perfect in its imperfection.

My daughter, my teacher. I'm learning from her, through her each day.

Mom Jeans

Silly Self Expectations

Prior to becoming pregnant I got healthy. And worked out. For years. Then last Valentine's Day we made a tiny human. And my goal was to continue staying healthy and continue to exercise while pregnant. It was super easy to workout for 41 weeks and 2 days with a tiny human inside my tummy. Or, I'm kidding and there were days that even I wondered what was I doing.

To the surprise of even me, I worked out until the day I went into labor. And even during labor I squatted and well, that was the biggest workout of our lives. For everyone involved. So naturally I thought I would bounce right back and be back in the gym ASAP. Seriously. There was a part of me that thought I might be back to lifting a week postpartum. How outrageous is that? 

Obviously, I had no idea how one feels after labor and what the postpartum period involved. To be honest, I did not think about it all that much and just like anything else, knew I would figure it out/wing it. 

Color me surprised when I was NOT in the gym one week postpartum. What I was doing one week postpartum was: sweating up a storm, crying intermittently, barely making it up a flight of stairs, peeing my pants, and at one point my husband had to take both MY and our child's diaper to the trash. That's the reality. Is that too much for the internet? I don't know/care. It's the truth. 

So no, I kind of had no idea what this process would be like. 

After two weeks of not sleeping, I did go back to the gym. And yes, it was way too soon. But I did start sleeping from there on out. So it did the trick.

For me, working out is more than just looking a certain way or fitting into my pants. Although, I do enjoy fitting into pants that do not involve elastic. Working out is an active meditation. It's my happy place. Do I enjoy the act of working out? No, not really. I do enjoy how I FEEL afterwards. And I have never regretted a workout. 

As a Counselor and a person who intensely feels things in this world I need a healthy outlet. Some of the things I deal with at my job are pretty unbelievable. And some of the things I have experienced in my life have been...traumatic. So years ago, I picked working out as my outlet. And well, it works. It's how I deal with tough stuff. And now it's just a habit. A GOOD habit. 

The postpartum period has been hard for reasons that it should be hard for: I am caring for a cute tiny person who totally depends on me and also: I have no idea what I'm doing. Additionally, recovering from a natural labor is nothing to joke about. Although I do joke about it. Because why not? It was the hardest and yet the most beautiful experience of my life. And there were funny parts. 

Here I am eight weeks postpartum and still trying to figure out how to be a mom and also how to fit in working out. As a Rehabilitation Counselor, one of my jams is to find solutions to complex situations. So while there were days when I doubted I'd find the rhythm to the beat of the newborn daily drama...I'm figuring it out. Slowly. And imperfectly. Very imperfectly. She is still alive and I have pants on. So I am calling it a win. 

Enter, at-home workouts. Getting to the gym at this point is well, still too early to make it a priority. (I go when I can...which has been just a handful of times at this point). I'm still recovering anyway- as boring as it is, I should probably repair the abs that have separated and my pelvic floor BEFORE throwing around heavy weights for fun. 

Looking at my options, I have learned there are a lot of things I can do at home. And at first I wasn't into the idea or process of working out at home. However, now I really like it and yesterday found myself looking forward to it? As with all things in my life, I keep it creative and go with the flow. That's what has made working out at home fun. And when I can involve my mini in a workout- I do. She's always watching and being a good role model on all levels, even with fitness, is important.

Do I still have wild aspirations of doing my first powerlifting competition this year? Yes. Will it happen? I do not know. Do I sort of want to try out a cross fit gym? Yes. Will it happen? Probably. Maybe. Who knows. If it does not, I will live. I will also figure it out. I've always liked a challenge and this new mom-thing is definitely that. 

The point is that my original self-expectations were silly. No, I did not hit a PR one week after having a baby. But at the same time, I have never done this before so of course I did not know what to expect. And that's okay. It's natural not to know something that you have never done before. And none of the actual stuff you deal with being a new mom is in any book. You figure it out and do the best you can. 

This tiny cute human is teaching me so much about life. About lifting. About happiness and what it means to live in this world of wild.

Until I Remember To Blog Again,

Mom Jeans

Keeping It 100

Carving out time to workout with a newborn is an art I'm learning. Today's workout took 2+ hours and rest breaks included two feedings, a cuddle/dance session, smiles, and screaming. The actual workout was NOT two hours, if I had to guess...maybe 40 minutes total? Who knows. It's hard to tell. And it doesn't matter. 

The mini is in a growth spurt and I'm getting creative with at home workouts. I'm learning to go with the flow and let her do her thing.

My hair hasn't been washed in a while and I may have started working out in my pjs. Am I mad I didn't make it to the gym today? No way. She's only little for so long and well, the mini makes an excellent 10 lb weight. She loves to workout with me. Which makes sense because she did it for 41 weeks and 2 days in mommy's tummy.

Okay, I'm out. 

Keep it 100,

Mom Jeans