The Two Best Friends I Never Wanted In The First Place

Dear Readers,

I am writing today, as a way to get the stinkin out of my thinkin.  I am bummed out.  Officially.  I woke up with a serious "Case of the Sads" this morning.  So today dear readers, I am going to share with you things that you do not know about me.  Today, I wanted to talk to you about the two best friends I never wanted in the first place.  

This may come to you as a surprise:  I have been blessed with the gift of Anxiety and Depression.  These gifts were given to me as a young child.  And will continue to stay with me the rest of my life.  They are part of who I am.  They do not define me.  They are one of the many things that make me.......well, me.

My two buddies Anxiety and Depression are and have always been with me...ever since I can remember.  They wake up right next to me every single day of my life.  For many years, I kept these two friends of mine a secret.  Then something happened about five years ago:  I decided to start being real with who I am. I stepped out of my closet of shame, and started telling my story.  And since these two friends and I are so close, I wanted to tell you about them.  

So everyone please welcome my two close and personal friends:  Anxiety and Depression.

I would love it if I didn't have these two for friends.  However, due to reasons beyond my control ...they will be with me forever.  A while ago, I decided that if I have to have these two buddies with me all the time:  It will be much easier to embrace them than to pretend they aren't there.  So I started to embrace my two friends (that I never wanted in the first place.)  

For me, keeping my two gifts a secret was a much bigger burden than coming out in the open.  Over the years, through much self education, reflection and meditation, and through the assistance of professional therapy, I have developed many coping skills.  Just because I have depression, does not mean I need to be Depressed.  And just because I have anxiety doesn't mean that I need to be Anxious.  These two things are part of who I am...but they are not Who I am.  They do not define me.

I know some of you are reading this right now and are kind of surprised. Some may be saying "Miss Oakley, you seem so happy...so normal...everything seems fine with you..."  I am fine.  This is part of who I am and I've learned that it is much easier to have fun with yourself than to focus on the negatives.  It is hard for people who have not had experience with anxiety or depression to understand them.  I am well aware of that.  For me, it is much harder to not be fully authentic with my life and to keep these things a secret.  So I know that talking about these two friends of mine may make people uncomfortable.  However, what makes me uncomfortable is not talking about them.

Some of you know, I'm in Graduate school for Counseling.  In approximately two and a half years I will be a Therapist.  I enjoy discussing things.  I specifically enjoy discussing things that are semi-uncomfortable.  Not because I'm a fan of awkwardness.  But because I think it really helps to talk about things that make us uncomfortable.  It is in my opinion that it is always better start a dialogue and get stuff out in the open that is often difficult to talk about.  This gives us the power back...instead of giving the power to that which is making us uncomfortable.  So by me talking about my Anxiety and Depression...I'm the one running the show.  Not them.

As you know, I have a blog.  You're probably reading it right now.  My hope with this blog is to help others through stories of my personal life.  If you've ever read any of my other blog posts, you've realized that I like to make fun of myself and literally no topic is off limits.  Recently, I've read a couple of other people's stories of Anxiety and Depression and reading about their experiences has made me want to share my story as well.  At the end of this post, I will attach links to their posts.      

There are many many many things I do to cope with my two buddies.  My coping strategies are forever changing and I have and will continue to try many things.

Today's Specific Coping Strategies Will Be:
Writing (doing it right now.)
Laughter (I'm going to watch some YouTube puppy videos upon completion of this blog.)
Rap music (for me it is the non-medication form of an anti-depressant.)
Sweat pants (they're comfortable and therefore sensible.)

Having Anxiety and Depression sometimes go hand in hand.  Which is my case.  I primarily have Anxiety.  And sometimes I get so anxious that it makes me depressed.  And when I'm depressed I get anxious that I'm depressed.  Then I get depressed because I'm anxious.

It's a cycle.

And it's also periodical.  A lot of it has to do with things that are going on in my life.  However, as I say that...Sometimes I can be anxious and depressed for reasons that are completely unknown.

I haven't been working for over a year and naturally, that is something that would make a person anxious/depressed.  And I am no different.  For over a year I have had a constant and extreme low level of anxiety.  So I have that whole thing going for me.  Or going against me.  Depending on how you look at it.

Also, I am moving.  Which is stressful.   And has therefore made me anxious.

And the final reason I have a "Case of the Sads" today is that I woke up with a fat lip.  Which is just kind of strange.  It is neither depressing or anxiety educing.  Just weird, and something I thought I would share with you.

Today when I woke up, I was extremely grouchy.  And I didn't know why.  I am NOT a morning person, so sometimes I wake up grouchy.  Actually, most days I wake up grouchy.  But today, it didn't go away after a couple of hours.  Which for me, prompted me to do a self inventory and some reflection as to the specific reasons I was having a "Case of the Sads".

Today Specifically, I am Having a "Case of the Sads" Due to These Three Reasons:
1)  My Unemployment Status.
2)  Moving.
3)  A Fat Lip.

1)  Being Unemployed/Every-Day-is-a-Saturday-For-Me:
I am now on year one, week one, and one day of being unemployed.  If anyone has been unemployed for any length of time, you may know how I feel.  If you haven't had the joy of ever losing your job...Well, then you may not exactly be able to relate.  Just think of waking up to every day being a Saturday.  Except this Saturday, all of your friends are working, and therefore, you are by yourself.  Also, you haven't gotten a pay check in a year or so, so in addition to being by yourself, it's probably not the best idea to go out and do anything that costs any money.  It's basically like the worst vacation ever.  



2) I Am Moving:
Where?  Approximatly 1.2 miles from where I currently reside.  Due to the outrageousness that is now what I'm paying for my rent...I'm moving in with the boo...and his brother.  I do not like moving.  At all.  It is non fun.  Specifically, the packing part.  Going through my stuff has been hard.  Mainly, I've started to question my ability to discern between what is crap and what isn't.  I have a lot of items that I probably shouldn't have:  Like a bunch of stuffed animals.  I don't have kids and I'm 30.  Why do I have a bunch of stuffed animals??

I am lucky that my boo understands me.  Actual conversation we had over the weekend:
Me:  "Hey boo, I have a bunch of crap that's moving in with me."
Boo:  "Like what?"
Me:  "Like a bunch of stuffed animals."
Boo:  "Ok."
Me:  "I think I'm only going to have a couple of them move in with me.  Just Ida, Minnie, and Walter."
Boo:  "Well, everyone is welcome."

That was it.  He didn't even question:  Why I had stuffed animals in the first place.  Or Why they had names.  Nothing.  If that's not a good boo, I don't know what is.



3)  I Woke Up With a Huge Fat Lip:  
Well, only half a fat lip.  My face has done this to me several times since high school.  For reasons unknown, I will at random wake up with a huge fat half-lip.  The only cure is:  time and a bunch of Benadryl.  I think it's stress related.  But it could be anything.  Sometimes my face just does fun things.  It likes to change it up.  Never a boring day.

One time, years and years ago (I think I was about 21 at the time), half of my face decided to swell up the night before a date.  A rational person would have called and canceled.  I am however, not that person. Fortunately/Unfortunately I lack the ability to lie (I shall blog about this later...) and if I canceled on him, I know I would have had to tell him exactly the reasons for my cancellation:  I played that conversation out in my head.  It did not go well.  Since my own conversation with myself didn't go well...I didn't think it was the best idea to go through with said conversation with an actual person.

So I went on the date.  I wore a bunch of eyeliner (to try to hide the fact that my eyelid was swollen) and a bunch of lipstick.  I practiced sucking in my half-fat lip in the mirror for about a half an hour.  I convinced myself I could pull it off.

More than my acting ability I think what ultimately made me go on that date was that I had taken a bunch of Benadryl and wasn't thinking clearly.

So in summary:  I had a fat half-lip, a swollen eye, had taken a bunch of meds, and it was our first date.

Regardless of my situation, he turned out to be a real weirdo.  And this is coming from a girl that had taken a bunch of Benadryl and half of her face looked like a pillow.  So naturally, I went out with him again.  Again, he was weird.  Then just for good measure I went out with him another two times.  Both times more weirdness.  I don't know what I told him after the fourth date, but I basically tried to explain (nicely) that he creeped me out.  I might have just said "Hey, you creep me out."  Who knows.  All I know is that there was a conversation between us, followed by us never going out again.

So there you have it, the story of my two close buddies Anxiety and Depression and the specific reasons that I'm having a major "Case of the Sads" today.  In terms of my coping strategies:

• Coping strategy #1 has been completed by writing about my situation.  
• Therefore, I will  move on to #2 and watch some cute puppies on YouTube and laugh.  
• Followed by coping strategy #3:  A dance party hosted by myself and Big Pun.  
• Coping strategy #4 was completed before I even started writing this post...I've been wearing sweat pants this entire time.  

Let's Reflect, What Have We Learned:

• I woke up with a "Case of the Sads."
• I have a couple of friends I never wanted in the first place.  Instead of trying to hide them, I have chosen to embrace them.  
• For reasons unknown, I have a half fat-lip and am wearing sweat pants.  

So, I Ask You:
Are you surprised to learn my two best friends are Anxiety and Depression...And not Awkwardness and Randomness??  Do you have a fat lip and or are wearing sweat pants??


Links to The Two Stories That Encouraged Me To Blog About My Two Friends:
**It is important to note here that:  Everyone's own relationship with Anxiety and Depression are deeply personal and unique.  There are not two people on this earth that experience Anxiety or Depression in the same way.  For example:  When I get super depressed I feel "blah" and sleep a lot.  The links below contain some material that is heavy.  My personal experience is completely different than theirs.  The three of us are very different.  However, we are similar in the fact that we each decided to tell our story in hopes that it would help someone else.  


The Bloggess: "The Fight Goes On"
Rob Delaney: "On Depression & Getting Help"


Forever, Blogging About Stories of My Life,
Miss Oakley

 **Comments are Welcome & No Judgement Shall Ever be Passed.
 **As with Everything I Write, Feel Free to Share.  Sharing is Caring.
 **Should you wish to read more profound thoughts throughout the day...
          Follow my twitter account @MissOakley