I Need To Get Domesticated

Dear Readers,

I feel the need to share more information that you didn't know you wanted to know.  Today the topic is "domestication"....and my lack thereof.  This wild animal needs to be tamed.  Seriously, I'm like a wild animal.  And I need to be regulated.  Mainly around the areas of "domestication".  As it is now, I can't cook and I'm not a huge fan of cleaning either.  I'm not totally hopeless, I just don't have any type of schedule.  My lack of a schedule is the result of years and years of being on the road and traveling for work 24/7.

I'm making changes and someday hope that I will be able to clean my residence on a regular basis...as well as, cook something without the fear that I will kill the eater.

I do however like to do laundry.  I actually LIKE doing it.  Because there's a:  Beginning, Middle, and an End.  It's simple.  It make sense.  It's also something I know how to do.  I've been doing it since I was six years old, and I'm pretty good at it.  I could probably go pro at all things stain related.

So there is hope.

I admire housewives, househusbands...basically anyone that can do everything that I can't do.  I have no idea where to even start.  I've traveled so much for all of my jobs...that the only thing I can really do well is order room service.  But that really isn't a quality anyone looks for.

I also have never been on a schedule due to the above stated travel for my career.  I've heard of some people that actually have designated days to get stuff done.  Like "Laundry Tuesdays" and "Clean the Toilet Thursdays".  Well they don't label these days as such, but they do these things on these certain days.

I'm not proud of what I'm going to say next but...Full disclosure...

I used to have a maid.  There's a story behind this.  Which naturally, I'm going to share.   (It's borderline embarrassing and I am not painted in a good light...SO OF COURSE I'm going to share.  Additionally, the whole maid thing happened when I was living with my Former Domestic Partner (FDP) and was approximately 4 years ago...)

Why I had a Maid:
When I used to be employed I worked a lot.  A lot a lot.  I was in sales.  Specifically, when the whole maid thing went down I was a Drug Rep (that's a whole other blog post in itself) and traveled a lot.  I was basically on the road Monday-Friday.  I'd get home Friday night and just want to relax.

However, relazixing was hard to do so when you come home to:

• Boxers laying on the kitchen floor.  
• Why are they even there??  
• Are they dirty or are they clean?? 
• Oh my word...I have to check to find out.  
• And then that lead me in to doing a "Smell Test".   
• The last thing I want to come home to on a Friday night is a  "Smell Test".  Not my idea of a good time.
• One dirty sock on the table.  ONE.  
• The thing that made me crazy was that since I only found one...that meant I had to find the other matching sock.  
• So I am now on a "Sock Hunt" in addition to conduction a "Smell Test".
• I am smelling underwear and looking for a sock.
• This is basically a regular Friday night activity.  Until it turned into "Financial Fridays" (which is yet another blog post).
• Peanut butter everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  
• Why is there a handprint of peanut butter in the bathroom?  
• How does that happen?  
• We don't know.  
• All I know is that it is hard to get chunky peanut butter off of granite without scratching it. 
•  And I did not appreciate having to de-peanut butter my bathroom when I came home.

I swear my former domestic partner would just disrobe wherever his little heart desired.  Which is fine.  To each their own.  What was NOT fine was coming home to this on Friday nights and having said FDP all riled up because HE messed up the house??  I know...It didn't make sense to me either.  But seriously, HE'D be all upset that HE himself would mess up the house during the week.  So one Friday night, while I was cleaning up after this whirling dervish-ness of dirty clothes...I asked him..."So, when are we getting married??"  (We had be dating for years and years and therefore this question was legit).  
He had the audacity to reply "When the house says clean."


Recap:
The house is a disaster.  It is Friday night.
Me:  "When are we getting married?"
FDP:  "When the house stays clean."


Wrong answer.

I couldn't even respond with actual words.  What I did was a combo:  Oh-No-He-Didn't-Finger-Snap-Hand-To-The-Face type of thing

Now, rarely, if ever do I actually get upset.  However, his response elicited a feeling in me that to this day is still indescribable.  Homegirl doesn't play that.  That is NOT what you say to your boo after she's worked 60 hours that previous week selling ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION medication in Winterset, Iowa. 

You've never seen a person google "maids" on Craigslist so fast.

The next Monday morning I scheduled four maids to be interviewed.  Conveniently also around the time the Former Domestic Partner came home lunch.

Color him surprised when he came home at noon for a PB n J that Monday.

Here is a summarization of our conversation upon him entering our shared residence:
FDP:  What are all these people doing here?
Me:  Oh, I'm interviewing them.
FDP:  For what?!
Me:  Don't worry.  It's so we can get married.
FDP:  What?!!
Me:  Well you said we could get married once the house stayed cleaned.  So I'm hiring a maid to make sure it stays clean.
FDP:  What??!!  You're joking right??!!  This is another one of your little jokes right??!!
Me:  Do these people look like a joke??

BOOM.

So we got a maid.

We did not get married.

What I'm trying to say here is that...I'm not very domesticated.  But I want to be more so.  Part of the reason I'm going back to school and completely changing my career is that so someday I can have "Clean the Toilet Thursdays"...That I can join a Gym and actually go at a regular time...So I can join a book club without worrying if I'll be out of town.  So I can have a little more of a schedule to my life.  Instead of me on a plane somewhere in Oklahoma...Or spending the day in Winterset, Iowa talking about Cialis medication and Type 2 Diabetes.

Let's Reflect:  What Have We Learned:

• I am a wild animal.
• Doing a "Smell Test" on a Friday night is non-fun.
• I look forward to one day having "Clean the Toilet Thursdays."

So I Ask You:
 Do you have designated cleaning days??  What's your thoughts on the "Smell Test"??  Do you think it would be in my best interested to become more domesticated??



Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know,
Miss Oakley

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