A Christmas Story of Inappropriate Awkwardness

Dear Readers,

As you know...Christmas is over.  It's been over for a couple of days.  I wanted to re-cap some things that occurred over the holiday that I thought you should know.  As always, these are things you never knew you wanted to know in the first place.  In addition, these things I will be sharing are awkward.

There were a couple of inappropriate occurrences over Christmas that naturally, I feel the need to share.  Off the top of my head, I can think of three entirely inappropriate things that happened.

The First Story of Christmas Inappropriate Awkwardness:

In order to know the complete extent of the first inappropriate occurrence I must go back a couple of weeks:  A couple of weeks ago I was extremely busy finishing up my first semester of grad school.  The first two weeks of December were a blur...I had a bunch of finals and several papers due.  I take school very seriously and had all A's going into my finals.  I wanted to finish strong.  I took the responsible option and decided not to jack around and get down to business.  Getting down to business meant not taking my mom's 10 daily phone calls.

I love my mom.  I do.  She loves me too.  So much so, that she calls approximately 10 times a day.  If you don't answer the first call you are in trouble.  She won't stop calling until you pick up. Recently she's figured out how to text and so in addition the the calls, she sends these cryptic text messages saying:  "CALL ME NOW".  I always call her back after getting one of her "CALL ME NOW" text messages...I'm always worried that something bad has happened and it's an emergency.  Why else would someone text "CALL ME NOW" unless it was an emergency?!

Never once has it been an emergency.  95% of the time when I call her back after her texts she says "So, what are you doing??"  She doesn't even have anything to tell me.  Just wants to know what I'm doing.  So during finals week I text her back, explaining that I was busy, and if it was an emergency to let me know.

Since there was in fact, no emergency this resulted in me not talking to my mom for approximately ten days.  Was I mad at her?? NO.  All I wanted to do was to focus on the task at hand and finish up the semester.

When my finals were over, I gave her a call. Naturally, she was livid.  She had taken personal offense to my choice of studying over yip yapping with her about nonsense chit-chat-ical stuff.

I do what any good daughter does...I apologize.

Once I was done with the whole "I'm sorry" thing she gives me a run down of what she bought for my boyfriend for Christmas.

Our conversation went a little like this:
Mom:  I need answers.
Me:  Answers to what?
Mom:  I need to know why my daughter has not spoken to me since December 1st.
Me:  Mom, I told you I was studying for finals.
Mom:  That answer isn't acceptable.
Me:  Ok, I'm sorry.
Mom:  starts crying
Me:  Mom, seriously are you ok?
Mom:  No, I AM NOT OK.  I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM MY DAUGHTER FOR 10 DAYS AND I DIDN'T KNOW IF SHE WAS DEAD OR IF SOMETHING BAD HAD HAPPENED TO HER.
Me:  Mom, I texted you and told you I was ok and that I was just busy studying.
Mom:  Well, I just didn't know if you were ok.
*****It goes on like this for another 5-10 minutes...You get my point.*****
Mom:  I got Felix* (my boo...*also not his real name...) a bracelet.
Me:  a WHAT??!
Mom:  I got him a bracelet.
Me:  Why would you get him a bracelet?!
Mom:  Well, you didn't answer your phone.  So I got him a bracelet.
Me:  Ok, so if I don't answer my phone you automatically get my boyfriend, whom you've never met, a bracelet??
Mom:  Yes.

So, my mom got my boo a bracelet.  As stated in the rundown of our conversation, she hadn't met him yet.  So the first time my mom was to meet the love of my life...She was going to give him a bracelet.

I called my brother and told him the news.  His response:  "Well it's mom, what do you expect?"

TOUCHE.

Anyway, so for the week leading up to Christmas, I knew for a fact that my mother had purchased a bracelet for my boyfriend for Christmas.  In the past, in former relationships, knowing something like this would have bothered me.  It would have bothered me so much, that I would have bought the bracelet FROM her, just so she wouldn't give it to him, and get him basically ANYTHING else.  Seriously, I would have given her "Hush Money"  just not to go through with it.

But, instead of being mortified by the thought of him opening a bracelet from my mom on our first Christmas together...I embraced it.  I actually looked forward to it.  I did tell him that his present was going to be super awkward though.  He then wanted to know what it was that he was going to get.  I wouldn't tell him.  I wanted to see how he reacted.  I wanted to see the look of amazement on his little face when he opened it.

So at any rate, he gets a bracelet for Christmas.  He thanks my mom and wears the thing for the next couple of days.  I actually love that this is what my mom got him.  It was just my mom being herself and doing what she does...Which leads me in the next story of Christmas awkwardness...

The Second Story of Inappropriate Awkwardness at Christmas:

Mom got me some great gifts this year.  Thank you mom (she reads this blog religiously).  One of the gifts she gave me was the gift of lingerie.  Which is fine.  Except I opened this gift without warning...IN FRONT OF MY BROTHERS.  Normally, my mom will give me a heads up if it is something that shouldn't be opened in front of the entire family.  Another one of her gifts was wrapped up in a Victoria's Secret bag...so I opened that one slow...But it was just some lotion, so it was no big deal.  The lingerie was just wrapped up like any other present.  And therefore, I opened it up like any other gift.

So I pull out this purple teddy (the lingerie) and look at Jack* (my brother...*not his real name) and he just screams out "SICK!!!!"  (And not like the rap/hip hop "Sick" either...like "Sick" as in barf).

So to ease the awkward tension in the air, I joke and say "Should I try it on and see if it fits??"  Again, my brother screams out "Sick!!"


The Third and Final Story of Inappropriate Christmas Awkwardness Comes From My Boo:

We were at my boyfriend's parents house getting ready to eat.  His family likes to do toasts and go around the table and state our feelings.  I love it.  His step dad is very sentimental and the whole thing is super endearing.  Well, my boo, Felix* also likes to do toasts and naturally had something he wanted to share with the family.

Here is my boo's toast:
"We have some good news to share.... (his mom looks over at us like he's going to tell the family we're getting married or something....).....Miss Oakley just got her pap smear back and everything looks good."

I look at him, shake my head, and say "Why?"

Let's Reflect, What Have We Learned?:

• Apparently, my family likes to make Christmas awkward.
• My boo, also likes to make Christmas awkward.
• Christmas is Awkward.

So, I Ask You:

Do you feel like the holidays bring out the inappropriate awkwardness in your family as well??  If so, stories are encouraged.  

**If you enjoy stories of awkwardness, I encourage you to read ANY OF MY OTHER blog posts. Examples:  
"I Am Ill, I Eat Out of My Trash Can, and I'm Probably a Raccoon"
"Halloween = No  Pants"
"The Professor: Otherwise Known As The Worst Date of My Life". 

Forever, Blogging About Awkward Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know In The First Place,

Miss Oakley

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