The Worst Gift Ever Can Also Be A Christmas Miracle

Dear Readers,

I would like to share with you a story of Christmas past.  As usual, this is a story you never knew you wanted to know in the first place.

The year was:  2008.

My haircut was:  A travesty.  (I had been the recipient of what could only be called a "Hate Crime" by my former hair stylist.  I didn't press charges.  However, I did find a better stylist.)

Snow was on the ground and deer were frolicking in my yard.  In the background Frank Sinatra was crooning about how he wants it to snow.  You know...Christmas stuff.

This story is about the magic of Christmas.

I need to go back further for you to fully appreciate this story in its entirety.  2008 was kind of a big year for me.  One of my best friends got married...Which led to me delusionally thinking that somehow that meant I too would soon be getting married.  

For the above stated reasons combined with additional ideas of lunancy I had determined that 2008 was going to be "THE YEAR".  And for all you out there that don't know what "The Year" is...I shall explain it to you.

"The Year" Explained: 
"The Year" is when a woman (also could be a man/groomzilla) gets it into their heads that it is now time for their partner to marry them.  This usually occurs after dating said partner for a period of time.  In my case that period of time was 6 years.  


"The Year" also means that you tell all of your friends and family that "IT" is happening.  By "IT" I mean, marriage.  Naturally, since I am a rule follower of all things pertaining to "The Year":  I told all my friends and family.  As well as most of my co-workers, cashiers at Target, complete strangers...Anyone that would or had to listen to me.  


Ok, so 2008 was "The Year".  I was CONVINCED that a proposal would be happening on Christmas day.  Not just semi-convinced either.  ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED.  I was 100% sure.  He'd been acting weird for a while and I knew something was up.

The night before (sometimes referred to as "Christmas Eve") I could hardly sleep.  I was like a 5 year old waiting for Santa.  Only this time Santa was a ring that I had been waiting for the past six years.

As it turns out, 2008 was in fact, NOT "The Year".

NOT "The Year" Explained:
What I woke up to that year was not a gift wrapped up in a little box.  I received a gift wrapped in a jumbo box of sadness.

In this jumbo box of tears contained:  A WAFFLE IRON.

So, instead of a ring he decided to go for a waffle maker instead.  Close??

Not close.  Very far.  So far in fact that when I opened my "gift" I was at a loss.  I think I blacked out and went to my happy place for a while (which happens to be a beach on Maui...)  Once I came back from my "Vacation of Devastation" I realized what had happened.

What Happened Explained:
What had happened was that my Former Domestic Partner of six years decided to express his love of my by buying a kitchen appliance.

It was by far, in the history of our relationship...His greatest offense ever.

The Greatest Offense Ever Explained:
The reason the "gift" was so offensive was that he had previously banned me from the kitchen.  Like an actual BAN.  That could result is some sort of citation and followed by a "Citizen's Arrest".  At some point in our relationship he had decided that I was not the world's best cook and therefore, should never do so.  I was told this repeatedly.  I was told this so much so that I knew for a fact he would never EVER get me anything that had to do with a kitchen.  Not even a dish towel.

So when I got the "gift" of a waffle iron/jumbo box of sadness I KNEW.  It was over.  For verification of the expiration of our union I then had a conversation with the Former Domestic Partner (FDP).

Summary of Our Conversation:
Me:  No words (remember I blacked out and was in Maui for a while...)
Me:  Still no words.  I stood there and shook my head for probably another 5 minutes.  Speechless.
Me:  Turned on the Waterworks/tears.
Me:  "You hate me don't you?"
FDP:  "No, why would you say that??"
Me:  "Uh, because you just got me a waffle iron for me for Christmas."
FDP:  "What?  I thought you'd like it?"
Me:  "I'm not even allowed in the kitchen.  Per your rules."
FDP:  "So?"
Me:  "So...You hate me.  Seriously, why?  What did I do to you??"
FDP:  "I don't know why you're so upset."
Me:  "Well...I'm upset because YOU GOT ME A WAFFLE MAKER!!"
FDP:  "What?  You don't like it??"
Me:  "No, I don't like you.  You walked into the store and picked up the first thing you saw.  Which apparently was a waffle maker.  You probably got this yesterday."
FDP:  "No, I went to the store and WANTED to get a waffle maker.  I researched them and everything.  This is the best one they make."
Me:  "Even worse.  This was premeditated.  You actually planned this out.  You planned to give your girlfriend of six years a waffle maker.  Knowing fully that she isn't allowed in the kitchen."
FTP:  "I don't think you understand what a great waffle maker this is.  I'm going to go out and get you some waffle mix and we'll make a bunch of waffles all day."
FTP:  Leaves for several hours in search of waffle mix on Christmas day.


What I Did While He Was Out Looking For Waffle Mix Explained:
What I did was cry.  Not a regular cry.  It was more like weeping than anything.  It was my biggest fear realized.  This dude was never going to marry me.

Naturally, I called my mom.  Her words first words were "SEND ME A PIC!  I WANT TO SEE THE RING!!"  She then realizes I'm crying...but not from joy.  I then explain to her what happened.

**See since this was "The Year" I had told all my friends and family I'd call them on Christmas to share the good news.  So since I'm a lady of my word...I called them all.  But not with good news.

Eventually he came back with the waffle mix but I don't remember if we made waffles or not.  Let's just say that we did.  We made some delicious waffles.  With my new waffle maker.  He put the ring in a waffle.  Not really...but that would make a better story than how Christmas of 2008 ended.


The Ending of Christmas 2008:
At the end of the day I decided that was it.  Game over.  The moment I opened that box I KNEW.  He and I were not meant to be.  This was not going to be "The Year".  The reason he had been acting so weird was not because he was going to propose...But because he bought me a waffle iron.  (Let's be honest...We ALL would probably act weird if that was our game plan for our significant other...)

My Thoughts on Christmas 2008:

As I reflect back on the situation of '08 I'm glad he got me that dumb thing.  Had his gift not been entirely offensive I would have probably not realized for a couple more years what I needed to do.  I could be getting a mixer or a crock pot or something this year.  Who knows.


I'm not mad, or upset, or anything.  I'm grateful that it happened.  I consider it a miracle.  A Christmas miracle if you will.  So to make my short story long:  This is the story of how "The Worst Gift Ever Can Also Be A Christmas Miracle."

P.S. I'm actually looking at the waffle iron right now and getting hungry....

Let's Reflect:  What Have We Learned:

• I had a bad haircut in 2008.
• I also thought 2008 was "The Year".
• Don't ever get your domestic partner a waffle iron (unless that's what he/she actually wants).
• I now wish Iowa had a "Waffle House".

So, I Ask You:

What was your worst gift ever??  Do you like waffles??   Do you live near a Waffle House??  If so...I'm jealous.  

Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know In The First Place,

Miss Oakley

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