An Inside Look: The Process of Getting a New Girl Friend

Dear Readers,

Once again I feel the urge to share with you things that you never knew you wanted to know about.  I am compelled to get a dialog started about a topic that is near and dear to my heart.  It's almost never talked about.  It's kind of one-of-those-things-that-everyone-knows-but-nobody-wants-to-admit-it.  The proverbial elephant in the room if you will.  What am I talking about??  I'm talking about the process of getting a new girl friend.  The process a grown woman goes through to befriend another member of the similar gender.  This could also be referred to as "making a new friend."  I like to call it: New-Girl-Friend-Ing.  (It's catchy and it works).

I'm just going to be straight up with it.  It's hard to make new girl friends after a certain age.


That age being: Right now.  

It was so easy to make friends when I was seven...You were friends with whoever was in your class...or whoever you played with at recess...or whoever happened to be your neighbor.  No questions asked.  "Oh, you live next door??"  "Perfect. You shall be my friend."  Why will we be friends??  For reasons only being proximity based.  Nothing else.  No shared common interests or life long goals...Just hey...I'm bored, you're bored...I noticed you lived across the street.   Let's hang out for our entire childhood.

Fast forward to middle and high school...More processes are involved but still friendships are made by sharing proximity related events.  "Hey, we're both on the basketball team.  We shall be friends."  "Hey, your locker is next to mine.  Let's be friends for the next four years." "Hey, I noticed you are in my gym class and also forgot your gym shorts.  We shall be friends."  Ok, it was a little more involved than that...and often times a little more dramatic...But there never was a time where you ever ran out of potential new best friends.

Fast forward to college.  Super easy to make friends.  I think that's what they actually invented college for.  I haven't done all of the research on it...but I'm pretty sure on this one.  You could be friends with anyone for any reason.  Actually, you didn't have to have a reason.  You could just befriend anyone.  At any time.

Fast forward to now.  I'm thirty.  Not super easy to make friends.  Maybe this is just me, but hear me out...

Dudes, high-five to a sunset.

Girl/Girl friendships are much different than Guy/Guy friendships.  I have literally watched a grown man walk up to another grown man at the gym and say "What's up?"  After a short exchange of basically NOTHING one dude walks away with the other dude's phone number and they've decided to text each other and meet up over the weekend.  It was as easy as that:  "Hey, I'm at the gym and you're at the gym.  We shall be friends."  The two new guy friends high-five it out and BOOM friends forever.  If they really were into the new friendship they may even high-five Top Gun style.

Now, if I were to walk up to another girl at the gym...while she's doing lunges or something...and want to strike up a conversation...I would not have the same results.  I could never just walk up to another member of my gender and say "Hey, let's hang out this weekend.  Then maybe be new best friends."  It wouldn't go over well.  That's now how my gender operates folks.

Additionally...even if I were to do that... Most likely, that other girl already has her set number of girlfriends.  And there's not room in the club for any new members.  There isn't even a "waiting list".  

Now, it is important to note my extenuating circumstances (and therefore reasons that this process has been more personally difficult.)

• I live in a city where I am not from.  
• Actually, I live in a state where I'm not originally from.  
• None of my family live in the same state as I do.  
• I've also always had jobs where I worked from home and the only co-worker I saw on a daily basis was my own mug in the mirror.  For most of my professional career I traveled excessively.  Most of my free time was spent driving from one place to the next, on a plane, or in a hotel somewhere in say...Oklahoma.

As a female who traveled for my job it is not the best idea to announce to strangers that I was looking to make new friends.  So therefore, I crossed that particular friendship tactic off my list.

I realize that my case is an extreme example of how hard it is.  But I can't be alone in feeling this way.

I have since retired from that career and am in the midst of transitioning to something entirely different.  One that doesn't involve me being snowed in, alone, and trapped in Sioux City, Iowa for four straight days.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that it has been hard over the past several years to make new girl friends.

Since retiring from traveling for my job 24/7 and now going to Grad school full time instead... I have made it my point of trying to befriend other ladies.  And it has certainly been a learning experience.  Giving another girl my phone number...in hopes that she will call/text and want to someday hang out...IS TERRIFYING.

What if she never calls??
What happens when she never calls and I run into her at Target or something??
Do we just try and not make eye contact and pretend we don't see each other??
What if she actually DOES call/text??  What will we do??
When we do hang out how soon is too soon to introduce her to my friends?
What if I introduce her to my friends and they don't like her??
What if she doesn't like pets or early 90's rap music??  (An actual concern of mine...)

What if this??  What it that??  There's a lot of internal dialog going on in my head.

Here's the account of a New-Girl-Friend-ing situation that went down about a year ago:

There has been this girl that I've been acquaintances with for several years.  (We share a mutual friend).  I would see her at this mutual friend's Holiday parties every couple of years.  And that's how I knew her.  I knew her name and that she was friends with my friend.  And that we both sometimes attended this friends Holiday party.  That's really it.  Well last year, I took the plunge.  I decided it was going to be the year that I put myself out there and tried to plant the seed of a long lasting and beautiful friendship.  This was not an easy decision to come to...Yet, I knew it was now or never.

So after I got home from the mutual friends Holiday party.  I did some research.  And by "research" I mean I looked her up on Facebook.  After completion of my extensive research I decided to step off that cliff and sent a friend request.  I also decided to send her a message letting her know how much fun I had at the party with her...That would should hang out sometime....Oh, and here's my phone number...Should she happen to ever want to hang out.

Once I sent the message I immediately wanted to un-send the message.  But you can't un-send a message once it's been sent.

So I waited.

For months.

Four or Five months go by and I don't hear back from her.  I replay our conversation at the mutual friends holiday party over and over in my mind.  I question everything.  Was it something I said??  Was it something I did??  Was it the way I laugh really loud sometimes and then snort afterwards??  There was no way of knowing...

Then one day she messages me back and says "Yeah, we should totally hang out.  Here's my number.  Call me sometime.  Yay!!  New friend!!"  She actually said "Yay, New Friend!!"

THE JOY IN MY HEART THAT I FELT AT THAT EXACT MOMENT WAS ALMOST UNBEARABLE.

I was on the cusp of a new friendship and it felt amazing.  Pictures of us growing old together and watching re-runs of 90210 flashed in my mind.  MY HEART WAS RACING.  The friendship opportunities were limitless.  This could be the beginning of the most beautiful friendship in the history of friendship-dom.

I text her.  We hang out.

We hang out some more.

We've been hanging out ever since.

And our new friendship is a beautiful thing.  Nevermind that she's probably deleting my number right now as she's reading this.  The important thing was that I put myself out there and got a new girl friend.

The whole getting-a-new-girlfriend process is terrifying.  Almost more terrifying than dating.  Because when you date someone that most likely will be short lived.  But a new girl-friend is someone who you could potentially be friends with forever.  And the risk, dear readers, is worth it.  Isn't it??


Let's Reflect:  What Did We Learn?

• The process for making friends greatly changes as you get older.
• Guys make friends differently than girls do.
• I have a new girl friend.  

So I Ask You?
What are your thoughts on getting a new friend as you get older??  Do you think guys make friend easier than girls do??  Do you think I should stop blogging and get a life??

Forever, Blogging About Things I Feel You Should Know,
Miss Oakley

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