Shower Caps, Dry Shampoo, and a Recipe for Romance

Dear Readers,

I have some late breaking news I felt I needed to share with you.  Again, it's something that you never knew you wanted to know in the first place.

Beyonce

My big news is that:  I don't like washing my hair.

Recently, I was reminded of this.  A girl friend of mine updated her Facebook status the other day saying that she hadn't washed her hair in a while.  And I was aghast.  Not that she hadn't washed her hair.  But that people still do that.  And by "that" I mean wash their hair. 

It's so time consuming!  And my hair is long-ish so it's a whole process.  Personally, I try to wash my hair as little as possible.  I don't have time for it.  Yes, I am waking up to Nothing-But-Saturdays/am unemployed...Yet, I don't have time to wash my hair??


I realize the ridiculousness of that last sentence.  But, I'm going to keep it in the blog anyway.

**FYI...This blog is totally organic.  It's natural.  I say what comes to me.  So if I write something borderline weird...I'm not going to edit myself.  I thought it in the first place, so I'm going to keep it.   It's also great when it comes to editing...Mainly, if I write something weird, it's just going to stay in the blog post.  So this blog is basically granola.  Natural.  Organic.   


Ok, back to my hygiene habits...

Let's get one things straight readers:  I like to shower.  I just don't like to wash my hair.


"How can you shower without washing your hair Miss Oakley?!"

Oh, I'm glad you asked...I will be be getting to that later.

QUESTION:  Do people still take showers on Sundays?? Because I don't.  Sundays are a day of rest.  For my hair.  And my shower.  I go all-natural.  (Just like my blog).  I'm basically keeping it real.  Really gross.


If you are still reading this mess of a blog...So far, in summary:
I like to shower .
Execept on Sundays.
I don't like to was my hair.

I kind of wish that I wasn't writing a blog about how I don't like to wash my hair...but it just felt right.  I don't think this paints me in the best light.  But it's the truth.  And that's what this blog is about...getting the truth out there.  This blog is a way to disseminate information.  What you chose to do with this information, is up to you.

I've been really into the "dry shampoo" lately.  Have any of you tried this stuff??  It's awesome and a big time saver.  I have a couple of different kinds of it.  I started out with "camp" dry shampoo.  I seriously got it in the camping section at Walmart.  Why was I in the camping section at Walmart??!!  I have no idea.  I don't really even camp.  Camping is kind of gross.  Do you know why??  Because sometimes they don't have shower facilities.

And you may be saying to yourself:
"Ok, Miss Oakley I am having a hard time following you.  You don't like to camp because sometimes there aren't shower facilities??  But you don't even like washing your hair?!  I'm having a hard time coming to terms with your rationale."


Stay with me folks...

Here's where shower caps come in:
Shower caps are amazing.  And also probably the greatest invention known to mankind.  I love shower caps.  I have a whole bunch of them.  They last forever.

I picked up these shower caps on the right at Walmart probably 2 years ago.  They have been a life saver.  (Not literally, obviously a shower cap can't save your life).  But they've metaphorically saved my life.  I can shower and don't have to wash my hair.  This cuts my getting ready time down by a ton.

Also, they are very attractive to wear.  If you want to impress your boo: PUT ON A SHOWER CAP and strut your stuff out of the bathroom.  It's pretty much a guarantee that your boo will stop what he/she's doing to recognize your beauty.  Shower caps are also romantic.  There's nothing more beautiful to a man/woman than seeing your lover wear one of these things.

Here's my recipe for romance:
1.  Put on a long fuzzy robe.
2.  Wear a shower cap.
3.  Put on some teddy bear slippers (any other animal...the point is they need to be large and obnoxious.)
**And you'll get bonus points if you but a facial mud mask on or zit cream.

So that's some pretty solid advice if you ask me.  I mean come on, I'm thirty and not married.  Of course you should be taking romance advice from me!  Everything I write is legit and has been heavily researched...by me...on myself.

Let's Review:  What Have We Learned:

• I like showers, but do not like washing my hair.
• Dry shampoo is Awesome.  Get some.
• Sometimes I end up in the "camping" section at Walmart.
• Shower caps are hot.

So, I Ask You:

What is your stance on washing your hair??  Do you do it every day??  Or do you sometimes use dry shampoo and or a shower cap??  Have you ever found yourself in the "camping" section of Walmart??  Do you think I give solid romance advice??

**PS, If you're a fan of the blog you could become a "Follower" and have posts emailed to you.  It's a pretty elite and exclusive group of followers...so consider yourself lucky.  It's like winning the lottery...Except minus the money part.

Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know,

Miss Oakley

 **Comments are welcome & no judgement will be passed.

 **As with everything I write, Feel Free to Share.

 **Should you wish to read more of my completely profound thoughts throughout the day...

          Follow my twitter account @MissOakley

That One Time I Registered For A Marathon

Dear Readers,

I wanted to once again share something with you that you never knew you wanted to know in the first place.


I registered for a marathon.

Yes, I know...  ***Gasp!!***

And when I say "registered" I mean this past tense...I registered for one, but never actually ran it.

Details of the Marathon that never happened:
This year I was lucky enough to turn 30.  Oh and FYI, being 30 is awesome.  So for all of you kids out there that think thirty is old:  it's not.  It's awesome is what it is.

Anyway, the months leading up me me turning 30 were a different story.  I'm just going to come out and say it:  I was a little scared.  I felt like once I turned 30 I was going to look in the mirror and be this entirely different person...This older person.  The whole thing was giving me a "Case of the Sads".


The irrational feeling that turning 30 meant that I was somehow older was also compounded by the fact that all of my close girl friends were also turning 30...and THEY were freaking out.  So it sort of rubbed off on me.  It was a collective group freak out.  

So in the months leading up to my birthday I had a couple of really great ideas.  One of them was that I should run a marathon.  A lot of my friends have run/still run them...So I thought why not??

And if you're going to run a marathon then you want to do it in a really cool city right??  WHAT CITY IS COOLER THAN DES MOINES, IOWA??!!  Answer:  No city.  You can't out-cool Des Moines.  You just can't.

So I signed up for the Des Moines Marathon about six months before the actual marathon.

Any marathon runner will tell you that you need to be training a year in advance.  Still, I thought I could do it.

Here's something you may not know:  I used to run for real in high school.  I ran cross country and track.  Was I any good??  Probably not.

I wanted to run in middle/high school for two reasons:
1.  There were boys on the team.
2.  I heard that runners get to eat a lot of bagels.  And I really like bagels.

For those two reasons I started my "running career" in middle school.  Naturally, because of my grace and coordination I decided I was to become a hurdler.


I really really wish my scanner was working right now so I could show you evidence of me running the hurdles.  It was classic.  A classic mess.  

So my athletic running career began back in the sixth grade.  I ran track through middle school and when I got to high school I thought it would be a good idea to also run cross country.  (I also "played" basketball...but that's a whole different blog post in itself.)


Should you wish to read more about my "Extreme Athleticism" visit this blog post.  Your minds will be blown.  It probably will change your life.

Guys, I'm not the best athlete.  And I'm ok with that.  Mainly, I just like to stay in shape and be part of a "team".  I realize that some people take sports and athletics seriously...I'm just not one of them...

So yeah, I had been a runner in the past and thought that because of my vast experience and near Olympian qualities...I could get away with training for a marathon in just six months.

I figured after all of theses years of not training I'd injure myself right away anyways and there was no way I'd actually make it to the marathon.  So my thought was that it wouldn't hurt to try.

So I started seriously running again.  And surprisingly, it went well.  I thought I would pull a hamstring or something right off the bat.  For those six months I only sat out of training for about two weeks because of a bruise.  A BRUISE.  Nothing else happened.  I was totally fine.  I ran better than I did in high school.

Turns out, I find running boring.  ***GASP!!***  HOW COULD I EVEN SAY THAT??!!


Do you know that it is borderline UN-AMERICAN to claim that you don't like running??!!

WELL GUESS WHAT AMERICA:  I DON'T LIKE RUNNING.

Lassie

I just get bored running.  Yeah, I had my ipod to jam out to...But it was just boring.  The most exciting day was the day I found a stray dog...chased it down...and because she had collar with a tag on it I was able to call her dog daddy.  Lassie (real name) made her way home...and I ended up not having to have a boring run that day.

Running is probably more fun when you do it with another person...but still...I just don't feel the need to run a marathon.  Go for a jog??  Yes.  Run for five hours straight??  No.

At any rate, I did not end up running the elite and exclusive Des Moines Marathon.

Instead, on the day of the marathon this is what I did:

• We (the boo and I and his bro) hit up the Machine Shed breakfast buffet.  I ate a bunch of waffles, biscuits and gravy, bacon, eggs, hash browns,...you name it.
• Then we came home and watched a Vanilla Ice movie.  Have you ever seen his masterpiece "Cool As Ice"??  If you've never seen it...Then you're in the majority...I don't think anyone has ever seen this movie.  I think it cost about $6million to make...And they only made $1million...So I'm pretty sure Vanilla Ice owes someone $5 million.  He did have some pretty awesome/horrible quotes though:
• "Drop that zero and get with the hero."
• "You're not wasting my time, I'm just cooling."
• "Sharper than the point on a tip of a nail."
• Then we took a nap.
• Around 5pm I turn to my boo and say:  "Oh yeah, I was supposed to run a marathon today."  
• Then the three of us ate 5 pizzas.  

Let's Reflect:  What Have We Learned?

• I've you're going to run a marathon...You need to run it in a super cool city like Des Moines, Iowa.
• Turning 30 is awesome.  Once you get over the initial "Case of the Sads" that is and embrace it.
• I am a natural born athlete.  And so is anyone that decides to become a runner based on the fact that they really like eating bagels.
• I'm not a fan of running and this probably makes me un-American.
• I'd rather hit a breakfast buffet instead.
• "When a girl has a heart of stone...there's only one way to melt it...just add ice." -Cool As Ice

So, I ask you:

Do you like to run??  If so, why or why not??  Do you like buffets??  Have you ever had the un-pleasure of seeing "Cool As Ice"??

Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know,

Miss Oakley

 **Comments are welcome & no judgement will be passed.

 **As with everything I write, Feel Free to Share.

 **Should you wish to read more of my completely profound thoughts throughout the day...

          Follow my twitter account @MissOakley

I Am An Actor?

Dear Readers,

There's something I would like to share with you today.  Once again it's something you never knew you wanted to know in the first place.

I am an actor.  Ok, no, I am not.  I am however available on Wednesday mornings from 8am-noon...which is probably why I ended up in this Credit Union commercial recently.

Please take a look at my work.  You can view my mad acting skills from the 9-15 second mark.

This thing was shot this spring and came out in the fall...just in time for football season.

You may be asking yourself:  "How does one get involved in shooting a credit union commercial??"  Answer:  I received an email from a friend of a friend of a friend.  Word on the street is that I will do just about anything.  People who have ever had the un-pleasure of meeting me, know this.  So a friend of mine knows that I am:  Waking-Up-To-Nothing-But-Saturdays/Not-Currently-Working...Apparently this friend told a friend who told another friend...Whatever, I ended up in this commercial.

The email said the producers were looking for "Young, Fun, 20-Somethings" to be in a tailgating scene for a Credit Union.  At the time, I was 29...and I'm sometimes fun.  So I told them I was in.  Additionally, someone said there would be food and that basically solidified my decision.  

We were to meet at the stadium at a local high school bright and early at 8am on the next day.  

I studied for my role thoroughly...By going out the night before and waking up late...which resulted in me not taking a shower or combing my hair before I went off to shoot the commercial of a lifetime.

I got there and to my surprise...The whole thing was a legit.  There was a production agency, a director, a crew of cameramen, and even a person that entire job consisted of spraying the food to make sure it looked fresh.

When I get there I meet the other "Young, Fun, 20-Somethings".  And again, to my surprise...everyone was legit.  And by "legit" I mean that everyone else was an actual actor.  That knew what they were doing.

One of the girls asked me how my "audition went"??  I was confused.  I started to laugh...But then I realized she was totally serious.  I then stopped laughing and told her that I got an email the day before telling me where to be and what time.  Of course another one of the actors heard this and was promptly all over my case.  

At any rate, everyone there except me and another girl were actual actors.  She too has a friend of a friend that knew she was also free on Wednesday's from 8-noon.

Apparently, these actors had just gotten done shooting an Iowa Lottery commercial and knew each other.  They also for some reason had their head shots with them.

The same actor asked me about my head shots.  Again, I told her I just got an email the day before and this is my first commercial.  She responded by rolling her eyes. 

At any rate, I learned there is A LOT more that goes into a commercial than what you think:

First of all, it was freezing out.  It was the end of spring...and the commercial was to come out in the fall. So we had to pretend it was nice outside.  When in actuality, it was so cold we could see our breaths.  For most of the shoot I couldn't feel my hands.  In between takes we huddled together in someone's trunk for warmth.  It was a bonding experience for sure.

Second of all, for some reason the stadium's bathrooms where the commercial was being shot at were locked and so we had to change outside.  So here I am...freezing...Changing outside...in front of a bunch of complete strangers.  Awesome.  

Third...If one person messes up a shot...You have to keep re-doing that shot over and over...There was probably eight of us there...And in any given shot...One of us was doing something that the producer would rather not have us doing.  We did many many re-takes.  Did I mention it was freezing??

Fourth...the producers get one shot at this thing...So they need enough material to work with.  This ends up with them taking multiple shots of the same scene...so they can adjust the lighting, angles, and many other variables...We took shots of probably ten different scenes...However, as you can see by the commercial...I am not in 10 scenes.  **Side note** The whole commercial that you saw above took three eight hour days to shoot.  The commercial was broken down into six parts...My four hour block of time was just one of the six parts of that particular shoot...And that doesn't even account for the time they had to put into editing...My point here is that the making of commercials is hard work and I'll never again be able to look at one the same way.

Fifth...APPARENTLY THE FOOD IS A PROP AND NOT THERE FOR YOU TO EAT.  So I might have gotten into a bag of Doritos and a cupcake or two??  So what??!!  Luckily, the Producer had a sense of humor and found my antics semi-endearing.  How was I supposed to know a tray of delicious cupcakes weren't just there for us to eat???!!  Being the curious cat that I am...I got into the cupcakes.  I guess I wasn't supposed to.  However, the Director felt that this was "natural behavior" and decided to make it part of the shoot.  I got to eat the cupcake and everyone ended up happy.  

Sixth...Being an actor PAYS CHEDDAR.  This fool made $50.  And got some cupcakes.  

Let's Reflect:  What Did We Learn?

• I'm available on Wednesday mornings.  Apparently, this means I'm also available to shoot commercials.
• Making a commercial is hard work.
• Don't ever eat the food.  It's probably a prop.
• I made $50.

So, Let Me Ask You?

What do you think of my acting skills??  Do you think I have what it takes to make it big??  If you had Wednesday mornings free...Would you or would you not...Shoot a commercial for $50 and some cupcakes??

Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know,

Miss Oakley

 **Comments are welcome & no judgement will be passed.

 **As with everything I write, Feel Free to Share.

 **Should you wish to read more of my completely profound thoughts throughout the day...

          Follow my twitter account @MissOakley

An Open Letter: Dear Facebook, I've been Cheating on you with Twitter

Dear Facebook,

We need to have a talk.  I've been cheating on you now for a while...With Twitter.  Twitter and I have been having a secret love affair for some time now.  

It's just that Twitter GETS ME.  It feels so natural, so right.  Twitter understands me...It understands that my attention span is that of a gnat and I can only pay attention to things under 140 characters or less.  It understands the need for me to creep up on celebrities twitter feeds and see what they're doing.  It understands my need to intermittently share my profound thoughts throughout the day. 

(With seemingly no transitional statements and what appears to be completely random thoughts...)  

I can do some things with Twitter that you'd never do with me Facebook. Twitter lets me be myself.  I can tweet 100 tweets a day and no one says anything about it.  If I were to post 100 updates on you Facebook...it wouldn't fly.  It would be considered "socially inappropriate".  

Facebook, I feel like you and I have been growing apart these last couple of months.  

It's not me.  It's you.

I'm not going to throw in the towel just yet on us Facebook though.  I'm going to give this thing another shot.  We've been together for years now and I can't just throw what we have away.  We have hundreds of friends together...A Ton of pictures...A bunch of comments on our updates (most of them from my mom...yet, still comments).

I don't know if it's because Twitter is younger and hipper or what...but I'm starting to lose interest in you Facebook and I thought you should know.  We've always been open and honest with each other and I wanted you to hear it from me first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's Reflect:  What Have We Learned:

• I'm in the midst of a torrid love affair with Twitter.
• Facebook may not be "the one".
• Tweeting 100 times a day is ok.  Facebook updating 100 times a day is not ok.

So I Ask You:

Who do you love more:  Facebook or Twitter??  Have you Facebook-ers found yourself eyeing twitter lately??  Do you think Facebook is going to understand??  

**Should you find yourself on "Team Twitter", my handle is @MissOakley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know In The First Place,

Miss Oakley

 **Comments are welcome & no judgement will be passed.

 **As with everything I write, Feel Free to Share.

 **Should you wish to read more of my completely profound thoughts throughout the day...

          Follow my twitter account @MissOakley

Restaurant Review: The Tavern of Sadness

Dear Readers,

This is an urgent and highly important blog post.  Consider it a warning.

We (myself, the boo, and the boo's bro) just had the        un-pleasure of dining at The Tavern II in the lovely metropolis of West Des Moines, Iowa.  The whole experience was sad.  In fact, I now have a major "Case of the Sads."  I was excited to go there because I heard they had great pizza.  And I LOVE PIZZA.  I mean LOVE.  I'd marry a deep dish Chicago style pepperoni if it was socially acceptable.

The whole thing is false advertising...It's not even a Tavern/bar.  It's "The House of Sad" is what it is.

We were so underwhelmed by the whole experience that we decided to write a review on Urban Spoon.  For those of you that don't know what Urban Spoon is:  it is a restaurant review guide for "popular" cities in the US, UK, Australia, and Canada. 

My Official Urban Spoon review can be found here.

Or you can read it below:

The Tavern of Sadness II
by observationsbymissoakley (1 review)

I've heard tons of good things about this place, so we decided to check it out. I don't know if everyone is confused...or if no one has actually been to Chicago...but the "deep dish" wasn't Chicago style deep dish. Pizza Hut deep dish maybe?? Pizza Hut's prices are more reasonable however.

The whole experience was underwhelming. The decor in the restaurant instantly made me sad. It was a cross between Village Inn/Miller High Life Lounge/and an old Hardees. Without the atmosphere...or the ball pit for kids.

In summary:
Not Chicago Style Deep Dish.
Overpriced .
Depressing Decor.
Don't believe the hype.

**Do you know who makes the best Chicago-style-deep-dish-pizza??   --------->CHICAGO

So, I Ask You:
When/where was your last underwhelming restaurant experience??  Do you love pizza??  Do you think Hardee's should bring back the ball pit for kids/(me)??


Forever, Reviewing Horrible Restaurants So You Don't Have To,
Miss Oakley

 **Comments are welcome & no judgement will be passed.
 **As with everything I write, Feel Free to Share.
 **Should you wish to read more of my completely profound thoughts throughout the day...
          Follow my twitter account @MissOakley

I Keep A Karaoke List On Me At All Times

Dear Readers,

I wanted to discuss something very important today.  Karaoke.  And music.  And dancing.  Basically, a lot of stuff needs to be talked about today.  And as always, what we will discuss is something that you never knew you wanted to know in the first place.

Ok, I keep a lot of lists.  A lot.  I make lists FOR my lists.  One list I keep on me at all times is my Karaoke list.  You never know.  You never know when you are going to be in A-Karaoke-Situation.  One could spring up on you at any time.  I like to be prepared.

I don't even like to sing really.  I'm also not very good at it.  Mainly, I just like to have fun.  And nothing is more fun than to make a fool of yourself.  Publicly.

The last time my girlfriend's and I Karaoke'd we song the classic hit "Buttons" by the Pussy Cat Dolls (Ft. Snoop Dogg).  My main reasoning for this particular song choice was that:  I could do Snoop's part.  In fact, that was exactly my rationale for wanting to sing that song in the first place.  I said "Guys," (I call all my friends Guys...doesn't matter girls/guys...everyone is a guy...) Ok, so I said "Guys, I can totally sing the Snoop part.  Pretty sure I was born to do it.  Let's croon it out."  In addition to singing we also thought we should dance to this song too.  For more of an effect.  So it was pretty much a Win-Win (Well for everyone but the people actually having to watch/hear us...I'm pretty sure they lost).  But, a Win-Win for us anyway.  If there's something that I love more in this world besides music...it's dancing.  If you happen to be unfamiliar with this particular lyrical masterpiece you can hit it up on YouTube below.  We pretty much sang, danced, and rapped just like the video.

Additionally, I would like to add that I was born with gift.  One that must be shared.  The gift of dance.  Again, I'm probably not good at it.  But it's fun.  And once again, nothing is more fun than to make a fool of yourself.  Also publicly.  Ok, it's not really a gift...it's more like a compulsion.  Whatever, it makes me happy and no one gets hurt (except anyone that happens to witness it going down.)  I'm also pretty sure no wars were ever started because someone loved to dance too much.  Think about it...

I will dance anytime...anywhere.  It doesn't matter.  For example, last year a girlfriend and I were at Express at the mall...And I had to have my girlfriend hold my bags...SO I COULD BREAK IT DOWN.  It was 4am (Black Friday), so it just felt right.

To be 100% honest with you...I have daily dance parties in my apartment.  It's a party of ONE.  But it's still a party.  I try to remember to close all the shades in my place...but every once in a while I forget...And that's when my neighbor's get a glimpse into my day.  I haven't had any formal complaints filed that I know of...

And while I'm on the topic of dancing.  Do you not think that Usher's "Yeah" is the greatest dance song of all time??  WHO IS WITH ME??!!  I swear to you, when this song comes on, I will stop whatever I'm doing and give it all I've got.  I'd be willing to go as far as to start a petition to turn Usher's "Yeah" into our new National Anthem.  Now don't get me wrong, the National Anthem is the bomb...And I heart patriotism...But just think about it...Is there nothing more American than "Yeah"??!!

If you don't believe me, take a gander at this video below.  If this video doesn't make you at least tap your toes...You need to check your pulse.

And for extra awesomeness, anytime you throw Lil Jon into the mix...It's going to be an instant hit.  That guy is a lyrical genius.

So my point is...

Ok, I don't think I even have a point but basically can we just all agree that "Yeah" is the bomb??

Anyway-Not-Even-Going-To-Put-A-Transitional-Statement-In-Order-To-Get-Back-To-What-I-Started-Talking-About...

My karaoke list.  Right now I have two songs on it.  That need to be sung.
1)  "No Diggity"- Blackstreet
2)  "This is How We Do It"- Montell Jordan

Evidence of their awesomeness is below...

Alright, so the main point of this blog post is that: you should always carry a karaoke list on you at all times.  I do.  And look at how far I've come.  

So Let's Reflect, What Have We Learned:

• I am not good at singing or dancing, yet I love to do both.
• No wars were ever started as the result of someone breaking it down.
• I have daily dance parties because it feels right.  And natural.
• "Yeah" is hands down, the best dance song in modern history.

So I Ask You:

Do you carry a karaoke list on you at all times "just in case"??  If not, after reading this...would you be willing to at least consider carrying one??  Do you feel that Usher's "Yeah" is the best dance song ever??  If not, what's your favorite??  

Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know,

Miss Oakley

 **Comments are welcome & no judgement will be passed.

 **As with everything I write, Feel Free to Share.

 **Should you wish to read more of my completely profound thoughts throughout the day...

          Follow my twitter account @MissOakley

I Need To Get Domesticated

Dear Readers,

I feel the need to share more information that you didn't know you wanted to know.  Today the topic is "domestication"....and my lack thereof.  This wild animal needs to be tamed.  Seriously, I'm like a wild animal.  And I need to be regulated.  Mainly around the areas of "domestication".  As it is now, I can't cook and I'm not a huge fan of cleaning either.  I'm not totally hopeless, I just don't have any type of schedule.  My lack of a schedule is the result of years and years of being on the road and traveling for work 24/7.

I'm making changes and someday hope that I will be able to clean my residence on a regular basis...as well as, cook something without the fear that I will kill the eater.

I do however like to do laundry.  I actually LIKE doing it.  Because there's a:  Beginning, Middle, and an End.  It's simple.  It make sense.  It's also something I know how to do.  I've been doing it since I was six years old, and I'm pretty good at it.  I could probably go pro at all things stain related.

So there is hope.

I admire housewives, househusbands...basically anyone that can do everything that I can't do.  I have no idea where to even start.  I've traveled so much for all of my jobs...that the only thing I can really do well is order room service.  But that really isn't a quality anyone looks for.

I also have never been on a schedule due to the above stated travel for my career.  I've heard of some people that actually have designated days to get stuff done.  Like "Laundry Tuesdays" and "Clean the Toilet Thursdays".  Well they don't label these days as such, but they do these things on these certain days.

I'm not proud of what I'm going to say next but...Full disclosure...

I used to have a maid.  There's a story behind this.  Which naturally, I'm going to share.   (It's borderline embarrassing and I am not painted in a good light...SO OF COURSE I'm going to share.  Additionally, the whole maid thing happened when I was living with my Former Domestic Partner (FDP) and was approximately 4 years ago...)

Why I had a Maid:
When I used to be employed I worked a lot.  A lot a lot.  I was in sales.  Specifically, when the whole maid thing went down I was a Drug Rep (that's a whole other blog post in itself) and traveled a lot.  I was basically on the road Monday-Friday.  I'd get home Friday night and just want to relax.

However, relazixing was hard to do so when you come home to:

• Boxers laying on the kitchen floor.  
• Why are they even there??  
• Are they dirty or are they clean?? 
• Oh my word...I have to check to find out.  
• And then that lead me in to doing a "Smell Test".   
• The last thing I want to come home to on a Friday night is a  "Smell Test".  Not my idea of a good time.
• One dirty sock on the table.  ONE.  
• The thing that made me crazy was that since I only found one...that meant I had to find the other matching sock.  
• So I am now on a "Sock Hunt" in addition to conduction a "Smell Test".
• I am smelling underwear and looking for a sock.
• This is basically a regular Friday night activity.  Until it turned into "Financial Fridays" (which is yet another blog post).
• Peanut butter everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  
• Why is there a handprint of peanut butter in the bathroom?  
• How does that happen?  
• We don't know.  
• All I know is that it is hard to get chunky peanut butter off of granite without scratching it. 
•  And I did not appreciate having to de-peanut butter my bathroom when I came home.

I swear my former domestic partner would just disrobe wherever his little heart desired.  Which is fine.  To each their own.  What was NOT fine was coming home to this on Friday nights and having said FDP all riled up because HE messed up the house??  I know...It didn't make sense to me either.  But seriously, HE'D be all upset that HE himself would mess up the house during the week.  So one Friday night, while I was cleaning up after this whirling dervish-ness of dirty clothes...I asked him..."So, when are we getting married??"  (We had be dating for years and years and therefore this question was legit).  
He had the audacity to reply "When the house says clean."


Recap:
The house is a disaster.  It is Friday night.
Me:  "When are we getting married?"
FDP:  "When the house stays clean."


Wrong answer.

I couldn't even respond with actual words.  What I did was a combo:  Oh-No-He-Didn't-Finger-Snap-Hand-To-The-Face type of thing

Now, rarely, if ever do I actually get upset.  However, his response elicited a feeling in me that to this day is still indescribable.  Homegirl doesn't play that.  That is NOT what you say to your boo after she's worked 60 hours that previous week selling ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION medication in Winterset, Iowa. 

You've never seen a person google "maids" on Craigslist so fast.

The next Monday morning I scheduled four maids to be interviewed.  Conveniently also around the time the Former Domestic Partner came home lunch.

Color him surprised when he came home at noon for a PB n J that Monday.

Here is a summarization of our conversation upon him entering our shared residence:
FDP:  What are all these people doing here?
Me:  Oh, I'm interviewing them.
FDP:  For what?!
Me:  Don't worry.  It's so we can get married.
FDP:  What?!!
Me:  Well you said we could get married once the house stayed cleaned.  So I'm hiring a maid to make sure it stays clean.
FDP:  What??!!  You're joking right??!!  This is another one of your little jokes right??!!
Me:  Do these people look like a joke??

BOOM.

So we got a maid.

We did not get married.

What I'm trying to say here is that...I'm not very domesticated.  But I want to be more so.  Part of the reason I'm going back to school and completely changing my career is that so someday I can have "Clean the Toilet Thursdays"...That I can join a Gym and actually go at a regular time...So I can join a book club without worrying if I'll be out of town.  So I can have a little more of a schedule to my life.  Instead of me on a plane somewhere in Oklahoma...Or spending the day in Winterset, Iowa talking about Cialis medication and Type 2 Diabetes.

Let's Reflect:  What Have We Learned:

• I am a wild animal.
• Doing a "Smell Test" on a Friday night is non-fun.
• I look forward to one day having "Clean the Toilet Thursdays."

So I Ask You:
 Do you have designated cleaning days??  What's your thoughts on the "Smell Test"??  Do you think it would be in my best interested to become more domesticated??



Forever, Blogging About Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know,
Miss Oakley

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