Halloween = No Pants

Dear Readers,

If you are female...Halloween equals no pants.  Hear me out on this one.  

I’m basing this on research that I conducted this afternoon.  The research study involved one participant (Myself)…so it’s pretty solid information.   

(**Insert sarcasm**)

For the past couple of days I’ve been researching Halloween costumes.  And by "research" I mean spending several hours online googling "cute costumes".  

I also googled "cute puppies" (which has nothing to do with Halloween or costumes...I just like to look at pictures of cute puppies).  Additionally, I spent no less than two hours jacking around on You Tube (also not related to Halloween or costumes)...But I did come across this...

You can You Tube "Like Mah Status"...for more information...

In my mind, my time was well spent.  

Ok, back to Halloween-Sans-Pants...

Here’s what I actually found from my research online:

If you are a female…No matter what costume you wear…it’s probably going to involve you not wearing any pants.  And it's going to be labeled as "sexy".  

Evidence:  Here here and here:

 Sexy Supergirl

 Sexy Cave Girl 

 Sexy Sassy Tonto

I Get It Costume Industry.  I GET IT.  If there’s one day a year that we can get away with not wearing any pants it’s Halloween…So why not go all out?  You can't pull that crap on Thanksgiving...So you better get it out of your system early.

Here’s a couple of things I dare the costume industry try to make “sexy”: 

• An Elephant
• My Grandma
• A Parrot
• Recycling
• A Tire
• A Scab
• Anything from the 50's era
• Alf (google it kids.  It was one of the greatest tv shows in the history of everdom).

 One year, I just want to go as a HUGE pumpkin.  I want to wear an outfit so big that other people can’t fit in the room with me.  It will be the exact opposite of attractive. 

I’ve also always wanted to go a sumo-wrestler.  I'd pretty much give anything for an excuse to wear a fat suit on purpose

>>>No Transition>>> (Just go with it...)

Growing up my mom kept a “Halloween Box” in the basement.  She should have just called it:
“A Box of Sadness”.  Although, I don’t think she would have been able to sell us on that.  So we called it the “Halloween Box”.

The "Halloween Box" contained:

• The saddest clown costume you’ve ever seen.  It was more of just a bunch of patches sewn together.  
• A white wig (I'll get to that in a second)
• This terrifying wolf mask that my Dad wore every year.  (And somehow every year it would scare me)
• This little witch on a broomstick.  It wasn’t even a costume.  It was more of a decoration.  This also scared me. 
• Some plastic getup.  I want to say it was a skeleton costume?
• And other various things that were equally as sad

Every year, we would wrestle to decide who had to go and get the "Halloween Box" from the basement.  Since there was three of us...the person who went and got it the year before automatically was eliminated from wrestle-mania.  So the other two fought it out.

Needless to say, Halloween was not a celebrated event in our household.  I think kids actually get excited for Halloween?  Yes??  For purposes of my explanation:
Let’s say they DO get excited for it.  

We did not.  

One year, I went as Barbie.  With the white wig from the “Halloween Box”.  I wish I had the pic from that year.  I think I'm crying in it (as I should be). 

Another year,  the three of us The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

(**Heros in a half shell.  Turtle power!**)

Or that's what we were supposed to be.  In actuality...We just wore green sweat suits and tied black socks with holes punched out for the eyes.

(It is important to note here that my mom made everything from home.  Everything.  She was on a budget and everything had a purpose.  She thought green sweatsuits were a good idea...Because we "could wear them all year long...")    

The year of the Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle-Debacle I remember having to explain to everyone who we were supposed to be.  

Our Explanation went a little something like this:

• Three Kids in Tragic Costumes Ring the Doorbell...
• A Stranger answers the door 
• (Oh, we didn't trick or treat in our neighborhood)
• We yell out to the Stranger,  "TRICK OR TREAT!!!!"
• Stranger gives us a blank look combined with a confused smile/frown and then asks politely:      "What are you supposed to be?"
• We explain our situation..."We're the budget version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!!"
• More blank staring
• "Thank you"  we respond (which much chagrin)
• We get back in the car and air our grievances 
• Mom says: "What? I don't get it.  You guys look like turtles.  You can even wear your costumes when it's NOT Halloween."
• We wear green sweatsuits for the next year
• Fade to 20 years later...I come to terms with the event

****Correction:  Per my mom's request--She would like it to be publicly stated the the year of the Teenange Mutant Ninja Turtles and the year of Barbie was all the same year.  My brothers were ninjas...and according to my mother I was in fact "not a ninja."  I was busted Barbie.  She also would like to state that there are now actual Halloween costumes in the box.****


Oh Childhood!!

So to bring this all together:  I just googled "Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle"...

Of course, this makes perfect sense.   For several reasons:

• It makes sense that I'd google "Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle".
• It's also makes sense for the costume industry to make a "Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle"  costume.  Why??  Because those of us who grew up watching that show (Generation X'ers)...now have disposable incomes to spend at their discretion...And apparently will google it.
• Finally, it makes sense to NOT WEAR ANY PANTS.  

So in honor of Halloween this year, I shall be pants-less.  Why??

• I'm female.  
• It's Halloween.  
• And like I said, you can't pull a stunt like this on Thanksgiving.

Case Closed.  Halloween = No Pants

Forever Blogging about Important Things,

Miss Oakley

**Comments are encouraged.