Toxic Relationships Suck Us Of Our Energy: Ways to Create Boundaries & Build Your Support System

Dear Readers,

I wanted to talk to you today about your relationships with others.

We all have that friend/family member/co-worker that is super negative. About everything. Nothing ever seems to go right for this person. And every time we are around this person it zaps us of our energy. You never walk away from a conversation with them and say, "Hey, I'm super energized right now! I think I should go and do something worthwhile!" No, you want to eat a sandwich and take a nap afterwards.

After being around negative people you often feel drained. You could even feel depressed.

Another symptom of being around these types of individuals, is that you start feeling negative yourself. You're energy is sucked from you and your outlook on life has diminished. Their negative outlook, is now yours. This is not good. 

This blog is to tell you: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CONTINUE TO DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

You do not need to continue to engage with toxic individuals.

The first thing you need to do is to evaluate these negative relationships. What do you gain by being in them? How do they serve you?

If you find that you do not gain anything and that they do not serve you...take action to step away from these types of relationships.

In order to walk away, you will need to set personal boundaries. These are boundaries for YOU. Not the negative person. You need to decide what you will and will not put up with. Do not confuse boundaries for ultimatums. Boundaries are internal and personal. Ultimatums are threats and highly ineffective with toxic individuals.

Once you have set your own personal boundaries with this person(s), begin to look for ways to engage more in positive relationships that you already have.

Positive relationships are individuals who energize and support us. They are people that "get" us.

If you have found that you do not have many positive relationships, then go seek them out and start building a better support system. It will take effort or your part to get out there. This effort will be worth it in the end.

Positive people are everywhere. The problem is that negative people are often more needy and have taken up all of your time. 

Note: you may have to go outside of your friends, family, and co-workers to find this type of support. The best way to find it is by being involved in the things that make you happy.

Note #2: You may have to have different positive support people for different areas of your life.

The positive support person that you may have at work, may not be the same person you have to support you in your fitness goals.

It's okay to seek out  new relationships. Relationships do not have to come to us, we can go and find them. It's often necessary.

Give yourself permission to be supported by positive people. Once you are more supported in a positive way, you will no longer allow yourself to get sucked into your former negative relationships. Finding positive support may take some effort on your part. So, go out and find that support. You are worth it. Life it too short to have your energy sucked dry by toxic relationships.

Life throws a lot of things your way, it's up to you to create boundaries with negative individuals, and build up your own positive support system.

Miss Oakley

Feel free to ask questions, comment, and share!

On twitter?? Me too!! https://twitter.com/MissOakley

Advocating for Others: The Other Side of the Story

Dear Readers,

I get really fired up for employment. The reasons are many. But the fact remains: Careers are important.

Careers and jobs give us a sense of purpose and an identity.

For some, a job gives a reason to wake up in the morning.

Think about it...Each time you meet a new person, their first questions is: "What do you do?"

What do I do?? My job is: Jobs.

I'm a Job Developer and a Career Coach. I'm also a Graduate Student in school to become a Rehabilitation Counselor- with a focus on Vocational Rehabilitation.

In short, I have made the decision to focus my career on: Careers.

I have always been passionate about employment. I myself have been working since the age of 12. In the last couple of years I found myself un-employed. And was un-employed for almost a year and a half. In that time, I learned a lot about myself. At the time, I did not understand why. I now know why: I needed this to happen.

I'm a firm believer in the fact that we learn from every stumble in life. I needed to understand the sense of job loss and therefore the loss of my identity. I needed to feel the deep depression and helplessness that goes along with losing a job. I needed to struggle. I needed to learn. Losing my job and being unemployed myself has caused me to become more empathetic to the situation of my clients.

Some of the clients I work with are employed. They are just either under-employed, or not working in fields that offer a long term career outlook. Other clients I work with are not employed at all, and either have never been employed, or have not been employed for quite some time.

All of the clients I work with are not living up to their career potential. And because all of them are "Most Significantly Disabled" usually, by the time they come to me: I am their last shot. Everyone is out of ideas. Society has given up on them entirely.

I believe that I needed to myself be unemployed to understand just what my clients go through. So although it did not make sense at the time...it now does.

All of my clients have a disability and or a mental illness that is considered "Most Significant." It is my job to assist my clients in all aspects of their career search. And I get really excited for employment. Especially employment of individuals with various barriers. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE TO. I'm their last shot and they often have no one else in their corner. If I'm not excited...Why should they be?!

Therefore, I get really excited  for jobs. My excitement is on another level. 

Why?? Because what is good for individuals with disabilities and or mental illness...Is good for society as a whole. The more individuals work, the more they become self-reliant and independent. Their symptoms lesson in the right employment environment. They start to see their potential. They want to work more. They tell their friends and family members that also may have a disability and or mental illness...then they too want to work. It begins a positive chain reaction. It's good for my clients and it's good for society as a whole. Everyone wins when individuals with mental illness and or disabilities are competitively employed.

The individuals that I work with are those that are considered "Most Significantly Disabled."

They are individuals that have:

• A physical barrier that limits employment..
• A mental illness that creates a barrier to employment.
• A transportation barrier such as: not having a license, not living on a bus route, or having a license but not the means to have their own vehicle or access to a vehicle.
• An educational barrier such as: having not graduated from high school or currently working on a GED.
• A work history barrier such as: Not having any work history, Being out of the workforce for a period of time, having been employed in a field that is no longer exists.
• A housing barrier such as: living in transitional housing (the YMCA), living in unsafe housing, or living in temporary housing (friend or relative.)
• A communication barrier such as: being non-verbal, being deaf, or not having access to a phone or the internet.
• A self-care barrier such as: not having access to a shower, not having the physical means to proper self care.
• A support system barrier such as: not having caring friends or family or anyone that can talk to regarding life.
• A community barrier: being a sex offender, having a criminal record, being on the child abuse or adult abuse registries. 
• And these are just the personal barriers. These are not accounting for the societal barriers of what employers think of individuals with disabilities and mental illness. This does not account for how they have been treated because of their disability. 

Not all of the clients I work with have ALL of these barriers. Some may have a couple.. Some may have all of these plus some that were not listed.

Some, but not all, of the clients I work with are living on SSI or SSDI. And or Food Stamps. And or reduced housing. And or Medicaid.

I guess this is what the general public calls "Welfare." I guess if you consider living off of $681 dollars a month being "well" and "fair."

My job is to help these clients obtain jobs. It is my job to: help the client search, apply, interview, and maintain jobs. It is also my job to open doors to employers being willing to want to hire someone with the above stated barriers to employment.

My role is to coach the client on what it means to have meaningful employment. To look at the long-term picture. To convince them that they are better off in the long run not to live "off the system" but to work and earn a living.

The hardest part of my job is not the client. Even with all of their barriers to employment.

The hardest part of my job is: Society...How society looks at and treats those with disabilities and mental illness. How employers look and think about individuals with mental illness and disability.

By the time I enter the client's life...They have been treated like they are sub-human. I have met pets that have been treated better by society than some of the clients I work with.

It's heartbreaking.

At the same time, it is also very rewarding.

The other day I dropped a client off after walking into multiple employers...having them look at her...and basically say there was NO WAY they would EVER hire her...For her to say to me: "Thank you so much for helping me. I don't know what I would do without you. I'd be lost. You're the only person who cares."

Wow.

And I am just doing my job. Yes, I do care. But for this client...I'm the only one.

My job is hard. But it's worth it. I believe in it.

I believe in the system helping someone until they find the strength and courage to help themselves.

Does it always work out like that? No. But it does some of the time. For some individuals, finding the right job restores their sense of purpose and gives them a reason to go on.

And sadly, what the general public sees/hears are all the stories of how the system does not work. The media only sensationalized the bad stories. For every bad story you hear, there are 100's and even 1,000's of success stories that are never shared.

I see how it does work. I see those successes.

It's my job to stay optimistic and to be hopeful. I have to be hopeful in order to encourage and motivate my clients. Because often times, I am their only support system. And I'm not giving up on them. 

A lot of times society has given up on my clients. And they have given up on themselves.

Me? I'm not giving up. I won't give up. I will keep getting up every day and try to break down barriers. Both actual barriers and attitudinal barriers. This is my goal in life: To change how people think of individuals with disabilities and mental illness.

I will advocate for those that cannot for themselves until I can no longer do so. Until I myself have a disability...Because if we are fortunate to live long enough, ALL of us will acquire a disability. And then my hope is that someone will then advocate for me.

This is me advocating. 

Miss Oakley

Follow me on twitter @MissOakley

Explore

Dear Readers,

The Dalai Lama once said:
"Once a year, go somewhere you've never been before."

We often go where we feel the most comfortable. Why? Because it's COMFORTABLE. Everyone likes comfort. That's probably why they make sweat pants out of cotton and not cactus.

However, if we stay where we are comfortable then we never become uncomfortable.

It is within our discomfort that we learn about ourselves, our response to the world, and reflect on that discomfort. In short, discomfort is where we learn.

This post is not to tell you to take some tropical vacation once a year. But rather, to get outside your zone of comfort and try something new.

Explore. 

Do something different. 

Learn something new.

You can do this in many many ways. The possibilities are literally endless.

My challenge to you is to get outside of what you know. Do something different. Be bold.

In order to do something you haven't experienced, you need to go into it with an open mind. Also, it helps drop your ego at the door. It's okay not to know something. And it's okay to ask for help.

It's also okay to let things get weird and for it to be uncomfortable. That's when we learn and grow as humans. That's what sets us apart from every other mammal on earth.

Uncomfortable is just that: Uncomfortable. But it's bearable and it's short-lived. Embrace it. Allow yourself to not know what you are doing and be alright with trying/doing/going somewhere you have never been before.

Self Disclosure: I started to explore years ago. I did this by saying "Yes" to everything I was invited to. I have learned a lot by doing this and have made new friends while doing so. Now, doing new things and exploring is my absolute favorite hobby. Things that I enjoy today, are things that I tried on a whim years ago.

Get out there. Try something new. Travel to different places. Accept an invitation to an event you would not normally attend. Do something to surprise yourself.

**Note: If the thought of doing something out of the ordinary terrifies you...try it on a smaller scale. Take a new way home from work. Buy a different flavor of lip balm. I'm not asking you to backpack in the desert, just to try new things and see if you learn something about yourself/the world.

Be you. Be bold. Life is short, get out and explore. 
(Even if your version of exploration means eating an orange instead of an apple.)

Miss Oakley

Questions? Comments? Want to share this post? Go ahead! It will literally make my day!

Celebrate Small Successes

Dear Readers,

We all have goals. Big ones, small ones...Even if your goal is to "make it through today." That is still a goal.

This post is here to inform you that you should CELEBRATE success that honor your goals.

Reward yourself when you have been working hard on your plan.

The reward should align WITH your plan. Meaning, the reward should move you TOWARDS, not away from your goal.

For example, If your goal is fitness: A good reward would be to buy new sneakers or hit up a class that you have been wanting to try. (A bad reward would be to eat an entire cake after a workout or order pizza straight from the gym.)

If your goal is to get a promotion: Celebrate finishing a big project. Go to a networking event. Take a class. Do something that moves you forward towards your promotion.

The reason that celebrating success is so important is that: one success leads to future success.

When you celebrate a success, you are recognizing and honoring that step in the overall journey to reach your goal. When you see that you are actually moving forward with your goals, things start to become easier.

You start losing weight. You get that promotion. You clean that bathroom that you have been putting off for a while...

Whatever your goal is, celebrate the steps that it takes to get you the desired end result. Remember: the celebration needs to be in line with your goal AND be a positive one. Celebration should never take you further away from your goal...that isn't celebration, that's called sabotage.

So go ahead, celebrate success. Even the small ones. It's all the small wins that lead up to the championship game in life. Celebrate those wins. You deserve it.

You owe it to yourself to celebrate you. When you honor your forward movement, it will propel you into successfully achieving your goals.

Miss Oakley

Please feel free to share, comment, and ask questions.
On twitter? So am I! https://twitter.com/MissOakley

Ways to Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive Ones

Dear Readers,

Negativity is everywhere. Examples: The media. It's what our friends come to us to discuss. And most destructively, it is in our own heads.

All this negativity creates more negativity. In the counseling world we all this a "Negative Feedback Loop." An example of a negative feedback loop would be: You telling someone that you feel sad or depressed. The other person in turn says "stop feeling sad/depressed." This results in you feeling MORE sad/depressed. One negative thought, created another, which in turn, escalated the already negative situation.

We also do this to ourselves. We get upset about something. And then we get more upset that we even ARE upset. This creates more anger and more general negativity about a situation.

I call these negative thoughts and feelings around our thoughts: "Stinkin Thinkin."

The good thing about Stinkin Thinkin is that we are in charge of our own thoughts, and  therefore, can work to create ways to diminish those negative feedback loops.

Here are a couple strategies to stop negative thinking:

Next time your friend or family member says they are sad/depressed...stop yourself from telling them not to be sad/depressed. If it was that easy, they would have stopped long ago. Instead, ask them how you can support them in their recovery of being sad/depressed. They may just need something as simple as a sympathetic ear to listen. Or, ask them to remember a time when they weren't sad or depressed and see what circumstances surrounded that positive experience. Then help them find those "bright spots" in their daily lives...or occasions where they are not sad or depressed. Support them in finding those small things that they do find enjoyable. NOTE: only support things that are positive. For example, if binge drinking or eating 3 pizzas make them happy...this is counterproductive and should not be supported. But, if exercising, walking their dog, or playing with their children are their bright spots in their day...then support those things.

If you personally are experiencing "Stinkin Thinkin" then file away your negative thoughts: IN THE TRASH CAN. Honor your self-destructive thoughts by writing them down, and then ceremoniously throw them away. When you toss away that negative thought, also toss away your emotions and feelings to that thought. It is important to honor those thoughts rather than just ignoring them. If you ignore something, it will show it's way back to you in one way or another. Writing down your thought validates what you are feeling. This is the first step in changing your thought process. If you notice that you continually write down similar negative thoughts, then the next step is to make a plan to do something about those thoughts. You can never change the way you think without conscious action in order to change your thought process. Otherwise you will spend years of your life believing your own negative thoughts.

Another thing you can do is start replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. This can be done by keeping a gratitude journal or by making notes in your phone of the small things in your day that made you happy. Even on the worst days, there is something positive. Otherwise, you would not continue going on. Start looking for those bright areas in your life. This could be done at night when you start to worry about your "To Do" list for the next day. Instead of worrying, write down a couple things that made you smile over the day. You will sleep easier when you focus on the good, and not on what you need to get done. Tomorrow will come regardless of whether or not you spend time worrying before you go to bed. Why not spend that time reviewing your bright spots in the day?

Be kind to yourself. You are the only you, you have.

Miss Oakley

If you are on twitter...I share health/wellness and counseling/motivational info as I come across it at: https://twitter.com/MissOakley

Please feel free to comment, share, and ask questions!

Let's Tumble!

Dear Readers,

I have decided to start posting more on Tumblr and less on this blog. Please head over to: http://missoakley.tumblr.com/ to check out my Tumblr site!


Miss Oakley

A Little Consideration, Makes All The Difference

Dear Readers,

When you help someone else, you often help yourself. It is through our work, that we often find ourselves. 

I ran across this quote by Eeyore and wanted to share:

 A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference. 

If you can't tie a balloon to your own tail, to lift yourself up: Find a friend, family member, or open minded stranger that will do so for you. On the flip side, if you see someone that could use a little pick up...tie a balloon to their tail. It only takes a minute and could mean the world to that other person. 

Do we all need to drive around with a carload of balloons and string? No. But, hey, if  you wanted to and that made you happy: then go for it.

My thought with this quote is that when you start feeling bad about things and ruminating on your problems...Why don't you turn that situation into one where you can help someone else out? You can stop yourself from spirning into what I call "Stinkin Thinkin" by just helping another person. In the end, your problems may not seems so big after all.

Sharing is Caring,
Miss Oakley